My company put me in charge of ordering new business cards for everyone. Say hello to your new Executive Vice President of Marketing Coordination. PGPM.

There’s a security camera directly above my new desk. PGP.

Friend-zoning myself in record time. PGP.

“How’d that game turn out? I fell asleep.” PGP.

Saying you’re “looking forward to working together” to someone you despise. PGP.

Getting less Tinder matches in college towns. PGP.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. PGP.

I swear my company installed wi-fi blockers in all the restrooms. PGP.

My boss just caught me submitting this. PGP.

Haven’t been carded in months. PGP.