She changed the Netflix password after we broke up. PGP.

Got drunk and hooked up with a chick in HR. What have I done? PGP.

There was a fight outside my apartment last night. It was between two hobos for a piece of cardboard. PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.

Somehow I always manage to get sick on Friday. PGP.

Feeling dirty because I cheated on Netflix with Amazon Prime, even though I don’t pay for either. PGP.

Not needing to prioritize food before women because you’re too poor to afford a date, but just “rich” enough to buy a nice frozen pizza. PGP.

Everyone is working from home today. I didn’t get the memo. PGP.

Had a dream I was fired and got a huge severance package. Best dream ever. PGP.

Riding a fine line between being offended and ‘fair enough’ when you’re made aware of your family’s unanimous concern of you treating the upcoming family trip like a ‘boozy college beach week.’ PGP.