Using self checkout because I’m too embarrassed to face a clerk while I buy Lunchables in a shirt and tie. PGP.

What do I have to do to get fired? I’m out here tryna get a severance. PGP.

Showing my boss – who makes a quarter of a million dollars a year – how to make “cool bullet sounds” for his PowerPoint presentation. PGP.

Being surprised at how fast the day goes when you actually do work. PGP.

Empathizing with Gandhi when you have to wait until 12:45 for lunch. PGP.

Shower coffee. PGP.

World needs plenty of bartenders. PGP.

Tried to haze the pledges at homecoming. Corporate life has made me soft. PGP.

The high school kids near my office drive nicer cars than me. PGP.