This past weekend, I had the privilege of attending a very good friend’s wedding. The thing is, this friend is actually my ex-boyfriend. Please pick your jaw up off the floor that one, someone once considered me his girlfriend for a few months; and two, that we remained friends after the romantic relationship ended. I’ve managed to be on friendly terms with most of the ex-boyfriends that I’ve had – except for Drew, he’s an asshole – it’s not really that hard.
Over the years I’ve become better friends with the groom’s now wife, but I was still a little nervous to attend the wedding, considering that the groom and I had once known each other in the biblical sense. Now I’ve been to quite a few weddings, but all of that aside, this situation was a little different. In addition to the usual wedding etiquette, I knew that I would have to go into the big day with a game plan for the audibles that could be called. Well, I survived, and if you should ever find yourself staring at an ex’s save the date card, here are some tips to follow:
Look freaking great. Listen, you’ve received a save the date, followed by the invitation, so you’ve known about this event for months. Even if you’re on great terms with your ex, you still need to show up looking your absolute best. Cut back on the breakfast burritos and bagels, and maybe hit the gym: you have the time to commit to some type of fitness routine. Ladies, get a new dress; Rent The Runway that shit. Guys, maybe a new suit – possibly in a slimmer cut after your new gym routine. You better look amazing for this day, because once everybody knows who you are, there will be some side eyes on you no matter what… so you better give the people something to look at, especially that one member of the wedding party.
Get into a soap opera style saga with other guests when they ask, “So how do you know the bride and groom?” Just chalk it up to the good old fashioned, “We’re longtime friends,” then pivot the conversation, and leave it at that. No one really cares anyway, they’re just making small talk because the line for the open bar is neverending. Don’t give anybody something to talk about besides how great you look.
Smile, mingle, and dance. Listen, if you have to practice this, then do it. Google conversation starters if you need to, you anti-social weirdo. Grab a mirror and practice smiling, and don’t sit on your ass all night long like some sort of moody middle school little bitch. You do not want the photographer catching you off guard, getting a candid of you with your best sourpuss on. It’s a look that won’t get you noticed, especially by the hot member of the wedding party.
Request yours and your ex’s song. I learned later in the night that one of the bride’s ex-boyfriends was also at the wedding. When we hit the hotel bar for the after-party, I got the dirt that her ex tried to request “their” song… That’s trashy as all hell, man. Doesn’t matter if your song was “Back That Azz Up” or something by Ed Sheeran – don’t pull this move. Oh God, especially don’t pull this move if your song was “Back That Azz Up.”
Take the time to congratulate the newlyweds. They took the time to consider you and invite you to their wedding, so you do have to sack up and say hello and congrats: shit, you’re freaking here, they must like you a little bit anyway. You have to take the time to be a gracious and caring person… Fake it ‘til you make it if you have to. And if you’ve met your ex’s family, you have to say a quick hello to them, too. Don’t be a chicken shit about it: make it short (“Congratulations, today is so beautiful!”) and then don’t linger – get back to the dance floor in time for ‘Desposito.’
Get trashed. Yeah, this might be a little bit hard, but it’s not a good look, especially considering the atmosphere that you’re in. I’m not saying to not take advantage of the open bar, just maybe stay away from the designer martini bar. Take it a little easier tonight. After all, today is not your day, kid. Besides, you need to make it to the after-party and then back up to your room with that guy from the wedding party. .
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