I didn’t think we’d ever get here, but here we find ourselves. I’m about to lecture the internet on the dangers and idiocy of the current “running people over with a golf cart to go viral on Instagram” trend.
You idiots. You goddamned idiots. I remember the good ol’ days of the internet where if you wanted easy attention online, you just did a Harlem Shake video or dumped a bucket of ice on your head or just reposted the damn “Leprechaun in Alabama” video on Facebook. But now, now we’ve gone plaid. People are running over other people with golf carts. I’m talkin’ full speed, all out, run ‘em over.
I don’t even know if you need to cover proper golf course decorum when you’re talking about general human decency. This is the dumbest internet trend I’ve ever seen…which is saying A LOT.
Call me the fun police. Call me a narc. Call me old and lame. Whatever. The long and the short of it is that golf carts are fucking dangerous. If I show up for a tee time one day and find out that cart privileges have been revoked because some idiot popped his buddy’s skull open after running him over with a gas-powered Club Car, I’m going to be none-too-pleased.
You got a friend who wants to try this stunt? That friend better want to die of blunt force trauma to from a golf club to the skull. You hit me with an 800-pound golf cart going 15-20 mph, you better damn well kill me. At the very least, you’re eating through a straw for the rest of your short, idiot life because you wanted your 15 seconds of fame on Instagram. Nothing says friendship quite like a compound fracture of the tibia.
So let’s just cool it with the hit and runs. I don’t understand it. Do people have some sort of secret deep down desire to run people over with their car? Hold on, let me answer that question. ABSOLUTELY. You know how often I fantasize about just running people down with my car? Every damn day. Why don’t I do it? Because I’m not a monster. Thinking about it doesn’t make me a monster. Except in today’s day in age, having the wrong thoughts can get you doxxed by a major cable news outlet. Anyhoo, I never actually want to hit anyone with my car. I’m not a psycho.
“But my bro just volunteered for it! Do it for the Vine!” Step in and talk to your boy. I don’t give a shit how many Ultras he cracked on the front nine. If you’re a willing participant in this, you’re just a flat out psycho idiot and I want nothing to do you. You don’t deserve to be anywhere near a golf course.
Finally, and don’t get pissy at me for being all preachy here, but let’s have a little more respect for the great game. Yeah, getting drunk and goofing around on the course is awesome, but the day I show up to a golf course that has scrapped golf carts because dudes couldn’t stop running each other over with them is the day I probably quit golf. What am I gonna do, walk the course like a commoner?
The day I quit golf is the day I can no longer pick up a club. Don’t ruin this for me..