Brunch is the new club. We don’t live in a world that values tables and bottles anymore. Our society likes to hit the ground running with mimosas, beermosas, and any other type of drink that ends in “-mosa.” “Mosa” is latin for “helping you get over your hangover. Don’t fact check me on that because I’m 100% correct.
But once you start -mosa’ing too hard, your world can get turned upside down. Which is why you need to take the necessary precautions when it comes to drinking before sunset. And if you follow these tried and true rules, you’ll be the person who can, in fact, make it to the club. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing has yet to be determined, but it’s something.
I. Thou shall wear sunscreen.
Day drinking, largely, takes place during the summer months. Half-day Fridays, Saturday benders, Sunday brunches. With summer comes the sun, and with the sun comes a killer tan.
“But mom,” you say, “I don’t want to wear sunscreen.” Take it from me, a 30-year-old man who was once told by a stripper that I look like a 34-year-old man, that taking care of your skin is essential to maintaining your youthful looks. It’s embarrassing enough to look old, but it’s even more embarrassing to walk into the office on Monday looking like a leather handbag.
Eat lobster. Don’t look like one.
II. Thou shall not do shots.
When it’s Saturday and you’re shampooing in some drinks that’ll help you forgot the night you can barely remember, you can’t hit the ground running with pure liquor. Shots, simply put, are wildly irresponsible the older you get. They should be reserved for celebrations after the sun goes down. Abusing them mid-day will book you a one-way ticket to passing out on your buddy’s futon and wondering where everyone is when you wake up there at 11 p.m.
When day drinking, you don’t feel good – you feel real good. Don’t let that false confidence trick you into thinking you’re invincible because you’re not. Tell Cole you don’t need that Vegas Bomb he just ordered from the bartender he’s been hitting on all day.
III. Thou shall wear luxurious sunglasses.
But not too luxurious because there’s a high chance you lose them. Day drinking takes sunglasses more than any event, and that risk skyrockets when there’s water involved. That’s where croakies come into play, but croakies are a polarizing accessory so proceed with caution.
That being said, a good pair of shades makes a statement that you’re in it to win it. In this case, bigger means better. We’re talking Persols, Krewes, and not-your-standard Ray-Bans. The type of shit you get in a store and not from someone handing them out at a bar. No one thinks you’re a baller when the wing of your sunglasses has the Jägermeister logo on them.
And they cover up your puffy face from the night before which is a win-win for everyone.
IV. Thou shall go home before continuing through the night.
I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to think carefully about it. Do you want to be the person who shows up to the bar in a shirt that smells like body odor and a pair of stained swim trunks that are still kind of wet from everything you did that day? Sure, it puts out a vibe that you chill hard as hell, but it also sends a message that you’re a complete mess. Go home, shower off, toss some lotion on your sunburn (because you definitely didn’t put sunscreen on like I explicitly told you), and get fresh. Everyone will appreciate it.
V. Thou shall Uber literally everywhere.
Wake up drunk? Uber to brunch. Wake up sober because you took the night off? Uber to brunch with the anticipation that you’re going to get too drunk to drive. Have a buddy who says he’s driving? He’s probably still drunk from the night before and will forget where he parked his car come Sunday.
Uber, or any other rideshare app out there, is your friend. A 3X ride to a beer garden is a lot cheaper and more convenient than a $10,000 DUI.
VI. Thou shall not start drinking without a base.
Your worst hangovers come after a night (or day) when you haven’t had anything to eat. Calories don’t count on weekends so order that Eggs Benedict or chicken and waffles that you’d otherwise shudder at during the week. You don’t want to be the person that people side text about “needing to go home.” You want to be the person who can take down 5+ drinks in the span of an afternoon because you woke up and slapped some avo on some rye.
VII. Thou shall keep a phone charge by any means possible.
Second only to getting too drunk, the one thing that can derail a big day out is a dead phone. You can’t communicate with the outside world, you can’t scroll Instagram when you’re bored with your friends, and you can’t post to your story letting everyone know that you’re dominating. Phones give you an out, so without one, you’re simply fucked.
The key? Low battery mode. It’s in your iPhone settings and it will take you from getting low battery alerts to being able to Uber home without praying that your phone won’t die before your Kia Sorrento gets there.
VIII. Thou shall stick to one, and only one, type of drink per bar.
Mimosas at brunch? Have at ’em. Bloody with a sidecar of Miller High Life? Have at it, because everyone knows sidecars don’t count. But you can’t just be trying every drink on the craft cocktail menu. Even if you know your strengths, you don’t know the strengths of the cocktail in front of you. When there’s too many variables in the mix, you fade.
Beers are the safe bet but everyone knows that. Don’t be afraid to order a vodka-soda with extra soda water if you’re feeling shitty. No one will know that it’s 80% soda when you’re the last one standing trying to make an OpenTable rezzie for later.
IX. Know thy limits, no matter how good one feels.
If you’re hungover, sleep in that extra two hours and meet everyone out. If you’re too drunk, mix in a water so you can continue. You don’t want to be the dead weight that falls asleep at a picnic table at 4 p.m. Trust me, I know.
It’s amazing what a few cocktails can do to a hungover body. You go from “Do I need to scale back on the drinking for the rest of my life?” to “Watch me chug the rest of this hefeweizen.” Go into it with the mindset that you’re there to socialize rather than to get bombed.
X. Thou shall not do PEDs.
I’d tell you to never do PEDs in general, but I know you’re not going to listen to me. Kids these days are taking adderall to get over hangovers like they’re taking Advil to get rid of their headaches. Sure, you’ll feel great in the moment, but you’re going to question your life when you wake up the next morning wondering why you accepted that half pill from that girl your buddy met on Bumble a few weeks ago. Leave that stuff for Cole and his Vegas Bombs. .