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Alright, folks. You know what was great about this week’s episode of The Bachelorette? Fucking nothing. We’re at the soul crushing point of the season where meaningful conversations, real emotions, and thinking about the future become important, and given that I’m at a point in my life where I actively avoid all three of those things, you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want to see that shit play out on my television screen.
One-on-One Date with Bryan
As the dudes arrive in their next destination of Geneva, Switzerland, Rachel barges into their suite before they’ve even had time to take a post-airport dump and announces that this week, there will be no Rose Ceremony; instead, there will be three one-on-one dates and a three-on-one date with roses to be given out on each date. To up the ante even more, Rachel says that the first date of the week is going to begin immediately. Sphincters tighten all around.
In a move that shocks approximately no one, Rachel picks Bryan, the dude with whom she has spent the most time sucking face, to go on another date to spend more time sucking face. Real original, Rach. She tells him to dress up, and as he emerges in a navy suit, they walk outside, hand in hand. As they stroll, Rachel tells Bryan, “When I’m in a relationship, I occasionally like to splurge and treat my man.” Bryan’s eyes light up. “Blowjobs?” he asks excitedly. Rachel laughs it off, as if he was actually joking. “Not today, but I did convince the producers to rent a Bentley!” Bryan ponders for a moment. “I’ve gotten a lot of dome in my life, but I’ve never driven a Bentley before…it’ll do!”
As they climb in the car, Rachel tells Bryan that theme of this date is going to be “luxury” and Bryan proceeds to tell her how #blessed he feels to be with her. Barf. The following conversation turns into a contest between the two of them to see who can use “luxurious” and #blessed in more sentences. In this particular game, everyone loses. I use this opportunity to refill my wine glass, which is the earliest in an episode I’ve ever needed topping off. Jesus take the wheel.
Their first stop is a Breitling showroom, where Rachel tells Bryan that they can’t go to Switzerland without trying on Swiss watches. I mean, you could easily do that, but whatever. Bryan tries on some of the Breitling wrist candy, and as he stares at a particularly bold timepiece, Rachel asks him if that model is his style. “Yeah, actually, it is,” he replies. “I mean, I like black!” Rachel breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God,” she whispers. “We’ll take two of them!” she shouts to the attendant. Bryan seems shocked. Did he think they were just going to try on some watches and then bounce? Also, it seems like he actually believes that Rachel is the one footing the bill for this monstrosity. Come on bro – this is all on ABC’s dime. After doing a little research, I think the particular watch BryGuy ended up with runs about 8 Gs, so now I’m questioning my life choices even more than usual. There’s nothing wrong with a Timex from Target, okay?
The next stop on Rachel and Bryan’s Treat Yo Self date is picnicking in a park. Apparently after they dropped more than the value of my car at the Breitling store, ABC had to tighten their belt a little bit for this part of the date. Can’t win ‘em all, I suppose. They talk about all the things they like about each other and how perfect their relationship has been thus far, and I could not care less.
As the dinner part of the date begins, Rachel tells the camera that she needs to have deeper conversations with BryGuy tonight, as if there’s even a remote possibility that she might not give him a rose. Please, spare us. It’s way more likely that I get struck by lightning while I write this from my bed than it is that Bryan goes home on this date, or even after Hometowns for that matter. Homeboy is definitely going to go to Poundtown during the Fantasy Suites, and probably to Final Rose City too.
Rachel and Bryan’s important conversation consists of Bryan telling Rachel his mom put him in an all-boys school after he asked for an earring when he was eleven; turns out Rachel spent her entire life going to private school as well. Bryan is very intrigued. “Tell me about your uniform,” he says with a wink. I actually didn’t make that part up. It’s weird. I’m uncomfortable.
Bryan does delve into his last serious relationship, where he took his then-girlfriend to a wedding in Colombia way too early in their relationship. Rookie mistake. Turns out she hated his mom so much that she broke up with him as soon as they got home. “Challenge accepted!” Rachel tells him, pinning a rose on his lapel. “I can show that bitch who is boss.” Tears well up in Bryan’s eyes. “Please do. Please free me.” An orchestra starts playing stately music, and Bryan and Rachel decide to dance in this tender moment. As they gently sway their eyes meet, and shortly thereafter their lips reunite; the date ends as the sound of Bryan’s terrible kissing simultaneously drowns out the dulcet tones of the strings and extinguishes my will to live.
One-on-One Date with Dean
Rachel’s second date this week is with Dean, and it is somehow even more stupid than her date with Bryan. She tells the camera that her favorite thing about her relationship with Dean is how they can be so fun and carefree together, but what is most important to her today is that they aren’t fun and carefree and are instead serious and boring. Kill me now.
They start their date at church, which is super weird. They go to a Catholic mass performed in French, which reminds me of the time I almost went to mass at the Notre Dame, but given that I drank three bottles of wine sitting on the lawn of the Eiffel Tower the night before, I was too hungover to get out of bed and slept until 1 p.m. instead. Coincidentally, something similar has also happened to me just about every Sunday morning since approximately 2008. Sorry to disappoint you, Mom.
As they continue to explore Geneva, Rachel and Dean sit down at a café. She prods him to talk about his feelings, but instead Dean asks her if she believes in the Tooth Fairy, which is her favorite dinosaur, and tells her that she’s pretty. She is less than pleased. I don’t get what’s so bad about that – those are all important questions, and who doesn’t like to be told that they’re pretty? Also, if you’re a thirty-two year old woman with rapidly shriveling ovaries who is still dating a twenty-five-year-old dude, that shit can’t be totally unexpected. Don’t blame Dean for being himself, Rachel. Let the kid live his life.
Once Rachel and Dean get to dinner, Rachel tells him that she felt like something was off during their date, and it definitely wasn’t her panties. Something finally snaps in Dean’s mind, and he unleashes the floodgates of the thoughts that have been coursing through his mind throughout their date. “You want to know why I’m being weird? I really like you, but if you come to Aspen to meet my weird fucking family, it’s going to be game over. Basically I can either push you away now, or watch you run away from me screaming later after you meet my dad and see his bedazzled turban. You know how some people go to Aspen for vacation? That’s normal. People who live in Aspen for real are not normal. Plus, I’m 25 and there are a lot of sluts out there that I still want to bang, and to be honest, most of them are your friends from Nick’s season. Seriously, are you going to make me go through all this shit or can I be excused to Paradise already?”
Rachel thinks for a moment. “Dean,” she starts, her Disney princess eyes welling up. “This is the kind of honesty and authenticity I’ve needed from you! Of course I want to meet your family! Here’s your rose.” Dean sighs. “Fuck me,” he mumbles, begrudgingly accepting his rose and impending public humiliation.
One-on-One Date with Peter
The third and final one-on-one date this week is with Peter. He meets Rachel in a field and they hop in a helicopter, fly over Lake Geneva, and get dropped off on top of a mountain in the Swiss Alps. Casual. As the helicopter nears its landing, Peter looks out the window and sees a sled being pulled by a team of dogs running nearby. He quickly connects the dots and asks Rachel, “Are we going dog sledding?” Rachel nods excitedly. If Rachel is keeping score, let the record show that Peter is more observant than Dean when date activities are paraded right in front of their fucking faces.
Rachel and Peter ride around in the dog sled for a while before they get booted off and decided to have a deep conversation sitting on the ground in the middle of nowhere while it snows on top of them. He tells Rachel that there have been points during the past few weeks where he’s wanted to go home, and she seems taken aback. If I recall correctly, Rachel told Nick on several occasions that she had considered going home herself, so try to hold on to those distant memories, you know, from like six months ago and be a little more sympathetic, Rachel. Plus, why are you having this conversation outside on a mountain? This is idiotic. Their assholes have got to be freezing. If I was wearing jeans and sitting in the snow with my nuts retracting as far into my stomach as possible, I’d want to go home too. Rachel reassures Peter that everything is just hunky-dory and that she wants to have his beautiful, perfect, gap-toothed babies, so to celebrate they lie down in the snow to make out. Seriously, what is this bullshit? Go inside. Sit by a fire. Cuddle under a blanket, don’t play tonsil hockey in this godforsaken tundra. Fuck this. I’m switching to whiskey.
Once they defrost their tender bits, Rachel and Peter head to dinner. Rachel asks Peter about the last woman he brought home to meet his parents, and he tells her that his last girlfriend never met his family before he launches into a weird monologue about moving his shit out of her house and watching her cry in his rearview mirror as he drove away after they broke up, and how he held on to a lot of guilt for hurting her for a long time. That is not the question that was asked, and I don’t know what to do with that information. Also, the soundbite of Peter saying something about “tears streaming down her face, and that being my fault” that we were forced to listen to during every single preview of this episode was about his ex, not Rachel, so fuck you ABC. Fuck you very much, you deceitful bastards. Rachel gives Peter a rose, and he tells her that his feelings towards her are “definitely along the path of love.” V romantic. Next stop – hometown date with Peter in exotic Wisconsin!
Three-on-One Date with Eric and The Two Dudes Whose Names I Never Bothered To Learn
The last date this week goes to Eric, Matt, and Adam. Good thing I take notes on this shit so I could remember these dudes’ names. Since all three of the dudes on one-on-ones got roses, there is only one remaining rose for the week. Let the games begin.
Rachel tells the dudes that they are going to get on a boat and motor over to France. Totally normal things, people. As they board the boat, all three of the dudes simultaneously assist Rachel in climbing in from the dock to the boat before climbing out onto the bow together. Again, they all make a point to touch her somehow, and it seems super uncomfortable. I did not sign up to watch a gangbang, so we need to start thinning this herd.
The group arrives at some chateau on the French side of the lake, and Rachel tells the camera that she has such a strong connection with Matt. “We just have such deep, real conversations!” Are we watching the same show? I am honestly not sure if I have seen Matt speak on camera this season.
As they sit down, Adam pops a bottle of champagne and makes a toast to Rachel finding true love. It’s very sincere, but at the same time Adam seems a little bit like he should be a creepy high school health teacher, so it’s off-putting at the same time. They drink their champagne and I throw back my whiskey so fast that my ice ball hits my teeth, which was more or less the physical embodiment of the mental and emotional torture watching this episode has become.
Rachel pulls Eric aside first. Remember how I said I couldn’t stand Eric? I still can’t stand Eric. He spends most of his time talking about growing up in Baltimore and how every male in his family was a drug dealer when he was growing up and also lets it slip that he has never brought a girl home to meet his family before. You know, normal things that convince someone you’re dating that they want to get more serious about their relationship with you, not the things that make you stop in your tracks and run in the total opposite direction, right? Also Eric is a close-talker and keeps his face approximately three inches away from Rachel at any point, and I add that to the growing list of reasons I dislike him.
Rachel talks to Matt next. They sit down on a bench, Matt tells Rachel that he’s appreciated their time together, how being a part of The Bachelorette has made him learn a lot of things about himself very quickly, and that above all, he hopes that she finds happiness at the end of this journey. Is he trying to get her to date him or signing her yearbook? Jesus Christ, dude. Is this the kind of “amazing conversation” they’ve been having? I’m glad the producers have spared us from this shit. Once Matt’s brief monologue is finished, Rachel bursts into tears almost immediately. The rest of their conversation went something like this:
Rachel: “Matt, you are truly an amazing person. Out of everyone that has been a part of this journey, you remind me the most of myself, and there’s such a soft place for you in my heart.”
Matt: sits quietly
Rachel: “There are just so many similarities between you and me, and if we had met outside of this and were able to have a relationship that developed more organically over a longer period of time, I think that it would have been something truly great!
Matt: silently furrows eyebrows
Rachel: “But, like, even though I’m telling you that you’re basically perfect for me, there are, unfortunately for you, a few guys that I really want to bang, and I don’t really want to bang you string you along, so I can’t give you a rose today. I really am so sorry, Matt. You deserve the best. Just not this vagine.”
Rachel: “Can I walk you out?”
As they get to the limo, they make out a little bit, which is weird. Matt takes a moment to say his parting words to Rachel. “I’m gonna take the champagne with me.” With that, he climbs into the van and is on his way. Seriously, what the hell just happened?
As the date progresses, Rachel sits down between Adam and Eric as they pretend to eat dinner while actually just staring at the rose sitting between them on the table. Adam is wearing a suit jacket over a t-shirt and Eric has on a tie that even the middle school version of Crick would have thought was unwearable, and I can’t decide which is more upsetting.
Rachel talks to Adam, who spends most of their conversation talking about how excited he is to bring Rachel home to meet his parents. If I were him, I’d be more concerned about bringing home a woman to meet my family when I’d never actually been on a single solo date with her before the moment when she walks into my childhood home. Just me? Cool, I’ll see myself out. After talking to Adam, Rachel spends a little bit more time with Eric. His conversation is a carbon copy of what he told her at the chateau earlier, so I spend this time praying to Chris Harrison that he goes home instead of listening to him because every word he utters feels like a dagger piercing my very soul.
As Rachel and the dudes return to their tiny dinner table adorned with uneaten dessert and not nearly enough alcohol, she tells the camera she still doesn’t know which of the men will be getting this week’s last remaining rose. “If I give the rose to Adam, I’ll be meeting the family of a man who introduced himself to me using a possessed doll and also only have white dudes left in everyone’s Bachelorette brackets, which will definitely raise a few eyebrows. On the other hand, if I give the rose to Eric, then Crick will plunge into despair and may stop watching the show altogether. Also, I’d have to go to Baltimore.”
Once Rachel sits down, she doesn’t beat around the bush. “This is a very hard decision for me – meeting someone’s family isn’t something I take lightly, and I have very strong feelings for both of you. At this point, I just have to go with my gut, so I’m going to give tonight’s rose to Eric.”
As Adam departs, he tells the camera, “She’s making a mistake. This is a huge mistake. A massive mistake!” Adam Jr. nods silently in the corner. I weep a single tear and brace myself for Hometown Dates next week.
Speaking of Hometowns, if you’re new to Dude’s Breakdowns, we like to spice things up a little bit towards the end of the season by playing Hometown Date and Fantasy Suite Date Bingo – basically it’s a way to encourage competitive drinking while attempting to predict the absurd shit that happens when somewhat normal people bring home a significant other that they procured on reality television. It’s good, All-American fun, so keep your eyes peeled for bingo boards; they’ll be out later this week. Hometown dates are always a shitshow, so stock up on wine, tell your friends, and get some Pedialyte for Tuesday morning. See you then..