No one is more often guilty of a fashion faux pas than white kids in college. 97% of what I wore from 18-23 makes me cringe and make a pained face like I just smelled my own fart in a crowded room and know that within seconds someone else will smell it and suspect me.
From scrunched tube socks to tucked-in button-downs that billow out of a pair of khakis, there are certain things that seem to just go hand-in-hand with being an obnoxious white kid in college. Wearing retro jerseys is one of these things.
During our college years, everyone donned at least one jersey of a past sports star, notable name, or current star in throwback form. I myself had (okay, still have) an old-style Wizards John Wall jersey, along with a Kings Bobby Hurley jersey.
As much as I don’t see myself donning one of those again (although I won’t say never as maybe one day I’ll want to look like an asshole on a foreign beach), this tradition of early-20s kids flaunting greats of yesteryear while day drinking is something I don’t want to die.
Instead, I want to fondly ponder which jerseys the Class of 2027 will be rocking, and how they’ll justify it. Whether inherited by an older sibling or purchased for $150 on eBay with money they earned selling Adderall, this is what tomorrow’s youths will be rocking.
LeBron James’ Cavs (first go-round) Jersey
LeBron will be to college kids of the late 2020s what MJ is to college kids now: their greatest player of all-time but never having seen his best minutes live. They’ll still swear by his greatness though.
“Man when he won that last title with Lonzo Ball and the Lakers, that made me a basketball fan dude. My older brother volunteered for his congressional campaign.”
Johnny Manziel’s Browns Jersey
Kids will remember their parents and older siblings talk about his highlights at A&M, then they’ll Google his name and instantly be determined to get hammered in his jersey.
“Dude did you see the picture of him as Scooby-Doo for Halloween? He beat Bama after that, like Bama before Saban left for the Jets, and all the sanctions. What a legend bro.”
Bryce Harper’s Nationals Jersey
Baseball jerseys aren’t usually ideal throwback drinking wear, but there’s nothing a white kid loves more than having some sports trivia not everyone knows.
“Wait, is that a Bryce Harper jersey? Like, Yankees right fielder Bryce Harper? Woah, I didn’t know he played for the Nats.”
Any Baylor Football Jersey
Personally, I think Baylor’s jerseys look like absolute trash, but in 2027 some lucky kid will be able to say this:
“Yeah my dad bought this before they shut the program down.”
Kristaps Porzingis’ Latvian National Team Jersey
Does Latvia even have a national team? Not sure, but that won’t prevent some college dickhead, probably named Chad, from copping the national jersey of the biggest Euro star in the NBA at the time.
“Found it on the Chinese version of Amazon. Also did you know he got drafted by the Knicks? Why didn’t they keep him, have they always been this bad at making decisions?”
Dak Prescott’s Mississippi State Jersey
The Prescott / Miss. St. jersey will be then what Brady Michigan jerseys are now.
“Dudeeee where’d you get that? The GOAT man.”
Draymond Green’s Warriors Jersey
Draymond Green is only going to get more and more crazy. I’m not saying he’d going to go full Rodman, but he’s already put a picture of his dick on Snapchat and has a reputation for kicking dudes in the penis. He’s only going to get more eccentric. White kids love eccentric.
“Did you see that nude statue of the Mario Brothers he had put in his front lawn? Still was a lockdown defender tho.”
Tim Duncan’s Spurs Retro Jersey
Much like Karl Malone is to this generation, kids will refer to Duncan’s place among legends constantly without watching a single second of any of his highlights because he would be boring as fuck to the casual fan.
“THE BIG FUNDAMENTAL?!? Dude where’d you find that jersey? I totally watched hours of his off the glass turn around short range jumper when I was in high school.” (But he really didn’t.)
Aaron Hernandez’s Florida Jersey
I saw some asshole in an OJ Bills jersey once, so anything is possible.
“I read a big Reddit thread on it, pretty sure that he got set up by Senator Belichick and that Tebow guy.”
Allen Iverson’s Big 3 Jersey
Not only am I confident that The Big 3 is going to be around to stick, I’m confident that its jerseys will make great throwbacks. These kids were too young to appreciate the red & white Iversons, but they will be able to remember him breaking ankles and hitting 4-point shots in limited minutes.
“Every time I wear this I’m lights out in beer pong, it’s literally like I’m AI out there.”
Michael Jordan’s Bulls Jersey
Years after nuclear holocaust consumes the planet the only things left will be cockroaches and a blacked-out white kid rocking an MJ jersey constantly asking who’s got a cigarette. .