You know what was fun? Being little and getting to have a themed birthday party. I mean, everything about being little was fun, but picking a whole event based off of some little niche interest you had that year? That shit was the best. Did you want a SpongeBob party? Done. How about a pirates and squids party? Sure, they don’t really go together but whatever you want, champ! You could have a shit party, like, a literal party revolving around shit, and everyone would show up at your door, ready to eat brown ice cream cake and play “pin the poop on the toilet.”
But as you get older, themed parties become less and less, and hanging out in the backyard with some IPAs and homemade dishes brought by all of your guests become the norm. Sure, we get themed parties at Halloween and Christmas, and one guy will always wear an American flag suit on the Fourth, but at the end of the year, that’s about it. We don’t have random events where we pull out our pirate eye patches, sexy Santa dresses, or Harry Potter costumes and enjoy the perks of being adults (alcohol, money, sex. Sometimes drugs if you wanna get weird and everyone is cool), with the best fucking part of being a kid — having fun and dressing up like a weirdo.
So, I say, it’s time to fix this shit once and for all.
Sure, having a big birthday party might seem extreme for you. Maybe you don’t love attention, or maybe the idea of having everyone dressed up as Game of Thrones characters while sitting on your couch is just a little too much. That’s fine. Baby steps. Because the most important themed holiday party of the year is coming up, and if you don’t either attend or host it, you’re going to die someday totally regretting it.
The Christmas in July party.
Now, just to contradict myself for a second, I don’t actually *like* Christmas in July. I don’t understand why it’s not Christmas in June, which is when it’s actually halfway to Christmas. Most years I have a half Christmas party but since I went to 47 bachelorette parties this year, I had to go with July. That said, Christmas in July is something ABC Family (RIP), has been pumping for years and it’s time we get on board.
Before you complain that it’s weird — just shut the fuck up for a second. Everyone loves the magic of Christmas. And isn’t the point of like, every Christmas story, that you should feel the love and magic of Christmas ALL YEAR ROUND? Well, friends. It’s been over half of a year since our parents pretended to play Santa even though they’re children are all above the age of 25 (just me?). It’s time to bring that Christmas spirit back. Don’t worry — I’ll be gentle.
You already have Christmas decorations. You already have that inappropriate sweater you bought for like $50 last December. Netflix has the crinkling fire log recording all year round, and between all of the video streaming services, there’s a shitton of holiday movies just waiting to be a part of your life in the summer. Amazon has plenty of holiday items you can order right now, and the fake, 4-foot Christmas tree you’ve had since college is dying to get dusted off and set up. Light your pine scented candle, hang up those lights, and order a pack of Candy Canes. Then, just lower your AC a few more degrees (like your bill wasn’t already painful — just relax), toss on your holiday best, and cook your favorite Christmas foods. Whether you make a full ham with all of the fixings or go with more of a finger food fare, it’ll feel like a fun, old-fashioned family Christmas the second everyone walks in.
Sure, it’s a bit jarring when the classic tunes start playing. But once you have a few glasses of spiked eggnog, shout at each other during White Elephant, and gain four pounds in cookies alone, It’s Begining To Look A Lot Like Christmas will start to sound … right.
Don’t let this opportunity to eat the peanut butter cookies with the Hershey’s kiss in them pass you by. Hang up some mistletoe. Light up the tree. Light up other green stuff. However you chose to celebrate presents and Santa and that other guy, have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas in July since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye..
Image via Comedy Central