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This past weekend, I had the privilege of attending a very good friend’s wedding. The thing is, this friend is actually my ex-boyfriend. Please pick your jaw up off the floor that one, someone once considered me his girlfriend for a few months; and two, that we remained friends after the romantic relationship ended. I’ve managed to be on friendly terms with most of the ex-boyfriends that I’ve had – except for Drew, he’s an asshole – it’s not really that hard.
Over the years I’ve become better friends with the groom’s now wife, but I was still a little nervous to attend the wedding, considering that the groom and I had once known each other in the biblical sense. Now I’ve been to quite a few weddings, but all of that aside, this situation was a little different. In addition to the usual wedding etiquette, I knew that I would have to go into the big day with a game plan for the audibles that could be called. Well, I survived, and if you should ever find yourself staring at an ex’s save the date card, here are some tips to follow:
Do
Look freaking great. Listen, you’ve received a save the date, followed by the invitation, so you’ve known about this event for months. Even if you’re on great terms with your ex, you still need to show up looking your absolute best. Cut back on the breakfast burritos and bagels, and maybe hit the gym: you have the time to commit to some type of fitness routine. Ladies, get a new dress; Rent The Runway that shit. Guys, maybe a new suit – possibly in a slimmer cut after your new gym routine. You better look amazing for this day, because once everybody knows who you are, there will be some side eyes on you no matter what… so you better give the people something to look at, especially that one member of the wedding party.
Don’t
Get into a soap opera style saga with other guests when they ask, “So how do you know the bride and groom?” Just chalk it up to the good old fashioned, “We’re longtime friends,” then pivot the conversation, and leave it at that. No one really cares anyway, they’re just making small talk because the line for the open bar is neverending. Don’t give anybody something to talk about besides how great you look.
Do
Smile, mingle, and dance. Listen, if you have to practice this, then do it. Google conversation starters if you need to, you anti-social weirdo. Grab a mirror and practice smiling, and don’t sit on your ass all night long like some sort of moody middle school little bitch. You do not want the photographer catching you off guard, getting a candid of you with your best sourpuss on. It’s a look that won’t get you noticed, especially by the hot member of the wedding party.
Don’t
Request yours and your ex’s song. I learned later in the night that one of the bride’s ex-boyfriends was also at the wedding. When we hit the hotel bar for the after-party, I got the dirt that her ex tried to request “their” song… That’s trashy as all hell, man. Doesn’t matter if your song was “Back That Azz Up” or something by Ed Sheeran – don’t pull this move. Oh God, especially don’t pull this move if your song was “Back That Azz Up.”
Do
Take the time to congratulate the newlyweds. They took the time to consider you and invite you to their wedding, so you do have to sack up and say hello and congrats: shit, you’re freaking here, they must like you a little bit anyway. You have to take the time to be a gracious and caring person… Fake it ‘til you make it if you have to. And if you’ve met your ex’s family, you have to say a quick hello to them, too. Don’t be a chicken shit about it: make it short (“Congratulations, today is so beautiful!”) and then don’t linger – get back to the dance floor in time for ‘Desposito.’
Don’t
Get trashed. Yeah, this might be a little bit hard, but it’s not a good look, especially considering the atmosphere that you’re in. I’m not saying to not take advantage of the open bar, just maybe stay away from the designer martini bar. Take it a little easier tonight. After all, today is not your day, kid. Besides, you need to make it to the after-party and then back up to your room with that guy from the wedding party. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
@_mmmk8
Or just don’t.
Yeah rule number 1 should definitely be don’t go, as should every other rule
I feel the rule is different for men and women.
Woman dated the Groom- Attend
There is a tier level for Men.
Tier 1- old fashioned hand job or less: Attend
Tier 2- dotted the eyes on the Bride: Don’t attend
Tier 2- dotted the eyes on the bride:
Women dated the groom:OK
#covfefe
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*Bride sees missmackay on her fiance’s list*
“OMG I’m so glad she’s getting an invite. I love her so much. So if we’re just inviting people we’ve banged in the past, then I’m inviting Zachary as well…. No I’m not mad about it. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
This guy gets it
This is good and relevant. Also Anna Kendrick, whew. Sorry wife.
Congrats on becoming Eskimo sisters with your ex’s new wife.
Who knew nerdy science folks had such a nasty heater?
Wouldn’t they have already been Eskimo sisters because of the groom? Not because of the bride’s ex boyfriend?
Not being able to delete or edit your comments on PGP after realizing how stupid it sounds. PGP
You don’t read good.
wut
Do: Blame it all on your roots and show up in boots
Way to ruin the black tie affair.
I want to know how that conversation went when both the bride and groom discussed inviting people they used to bang.
Don’t: Go
First and foremost, who’s even inviting Ex’s to their wedding? Pretty sure the last thing Mrs. Rico wanted to see from the altar was a girl I used to bang.
*During the first dance* “Hey honey, see that brunette in the purple dress? Nailed in a car freshman year.”
*frat snap*
WILD move to go to an ex’s wedding. Don’t hate it though.
I can’t stop reading your username as Ms. Mmkay? *SouthParkGif*
Dont: Go