Last night, I had a sex dream. Didn’t even wake up with a boner. PGP.

Until recently, I thought Ariana Grande was a font in Microsoft Office. PGP.

38 minutes late to work today because I jacked off in the shower this morning. I didn’t even finish. PGP.

Is there a phone number out there whose menu options haven’t changed? PGP.

Managing amounts of money that I have no fucking chance of ever having myself. PGP.

Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V. PGP.

I legitimately forget how old I am sometimes. PGP.

Bought a new bed in January. Still haven’t gotten laid in it. PGP.

Texting more at work than you do when you’re not. PGP.

Realizing “Friends” is bullshit, because I don’t even know five single people much less hang out with them across the hall. PGP.