All my friends are assholes, but I have no idea where you find new ones. PGP.

Using unexpected birthday money on Tupperware and bath towels. PGP.

Scratch offs and lottery tickets seem like my only hope. PGP.

Ignoring the heart palpitations from your morning coffee. PGP.

Watching all these Ice Bucket Challenges make me glad I don’t have that many friends anymore. PGP.

The crushing feeling of defeat when it’s finally time to let the belt out another notch. PGP.

Being surprised when you’re not hungover. PGP.

Considering moving to the suburbs so you have an excuse to not go out drinking and go to sleep early on the weekends. PGP.

Strained my hamstring trying to block a bounce shot in beer pong. PGP.