When I start thinking that I won’t have an original idea, I just remind myself that Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about goddamn cheeseburgers and is now a multimillionaire.

Sometimes I just sit on the toilet to avoid people. PGP.

6 wings and one beer turned into 30 wings and me blacking out at Wing Night. PGP

Called a client who has a ring back tone to all I do is win” by DJ Khaled.

I got 99 problems and money is all of them.

I just googled “can you overdose on pepto bismol”. Turns out, yes. Yes, you can.

Just met my girlfriend’s kids. They’re pretty cool.

Allocating your tax return into weekly dividends of slightly better liquor throughout the next year.

My condoms expired.

Giving your liver a nice, healthy break from Monday to Wednesday. PGP.