“How you doing this morning? It looks like you don’t want to be here.” -Becky from HR. PGP.

$35k is a fancy way of saying “I live paycheck-to-paycheck.” PGP.

I could be on that super-drug from “Lucy” and still wouldn’t be able to get all this shit done. PGP.

My birthday treat was adding guac to my burrito that I’m eating alone at my desk. PGP.

The closest thing I have to a lifelong relationship is my relationship with Sallie Mae. PGP.

A firm, yet very depressing sense of self-awareness. PGP.

I get excited when I think about what I’m gonna wear next casual Friday. PGP.

She changed the Netflix password after we broke up. PGP.

Got drunk and hooked up with a chick in HR. What have I done? PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.