This whole Ray Rice thing really makes me wonder how many times someone has seen me pick my nose while riding an elevator alone. PGP.

I just want to have enough money so that I don’t have to think twice about adding guacamole. PGP.

My only attractive coworker got laid off. PGP.

I let all the vegetables in my fridge go bad. Again. PGP.

All my friends are assholes, but I have no idea where you find new ones. PGP.

My roommates walked in on me masturbating this morning. I live with my parents. PGP.

Having more sex in one day than you did in the past year. PGP.

I’d make 15% more if I had a better fake laugh. PGP.

Strained my hamstring trying to block a bounce shot in beer pong. PGP.

Brooks Brothers taste on a JoS. A. Bank budget. PGP.