Warmed the toilet seat for the company president today. Gave him a single pistol and said, “You’re welcome.” PGP.

Can’t remember the last time I bought Gatorade for a sports-related reason. PGP.

Thought I was getting yelled at via email because it was in all caps. Turns out my coworker is just a moron. PGP.

After getting your first house, the most exciting purchases you make are a grill and lawn mower. PGP.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and say, “As little as possible.” PGP.

Some mornings I just want to build a fort in my bed and stay there forever. PGP.

The copier feeds off of toner and fear. PGP.

1: “Let’s circle back and touch base on Monday to get these deliverables in to the client by COB. Can you set up a conference call?” 2: “Fuck you.” PGP.

Taking a vacation day and spending 3/4 of it on your couch watching HGTV. PGP.

I strained my neck because I looked to the right to fast. Two Advil every 4 hours for the pain. PGP.