I just bought my first new car. It’s so small I feel like if a criminal hid in my backseat, he’d ask me to move my seat forward when I got in my car. PGP.

Today, I watched in horror as the violent flush of the handicapped stall shot a pellet-sized turd directly at me. It hit my crotch and then bounced into my shoe. PGP.

“Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.” PGP.

My aspiration is to be Clark Griswold. PGP.

Can we all just agree that the international sign for “Leave me alone” is eating lunch at your desk? PGP.

Shamelessly “nice work”ing all my comments. PGP.

Not going to grad school because I just spent 17 fucking years in school. PGP.

I found out my current job was posted on LinkedIn, so I applied for it. PGPM.

Just swiped right because I saw granite counters and stainless steel. PGP.

Sometimes I make my bed for the sole purpose of feeling like I have my life together. PGP.