Mike Trout is 23 and won the AL MVP. I’m 23 and won a new mouse pad in our office raffle. PGP.

The flash of panic you get when settling into your favorite stall only to realize your phone is still on your desk. PGP.

The fake half-smile/head nod combo you give people in the hallways. PGP.

Was just endorsed on LinkedIn for customer satisfaction by the girl I’ve been hooking up with. PGP.

I feel congratulations are in order. Our warehouse has officially gone eleven days without a stabbing incident. PGP.

We hired two “quality control officers” to monitor office productivity. My office literally just brought in “The Bobs.” PGP.

Getting a rejection letter four minutes after applying for a job. PGP.

Trying to figure out a Halloween costume is giving me anxiety. PGP.

Getting asked by every fucking friend and family member if you know Jake upon accepting a job with State Farm. PGP.