Turned down a job offer because my current company has too much work to do and “needs” me. PGP.

There’s a 95 percent chance I will be sitting on the toilet in the handicapped stall when the rapture happens. PGP

My only Tinder match for the week has been the Bud Light Down for Whatever profile. PGP

Never realized the extent of my immaturity until I attended today’s sexual misconduct seminar. PGP.

I have my headphones in so no one will talk to me but they aren’t even plugged in. PGP.

I’m drunk in my LinkedIn profile pic. PGP.

I still make out in bars.PGP

Visited my college over the weekend. Blew my knee out running from the cops. PGP.

2 billion dollar company. 1 ply toilet paper. #PGP

I avoid websites I like at night so I can check them out on work time. PGP.