I Developed A Coffee Resistance And Now I’m Fighting For My Life

I Developed A Coffee Resistance And Now I'm Fighting For My Life

Coffee is the opiate of the masses. This caffeinated concoction is the most commonly consumed drug among workplace warriors. The great Michael Scott once said, “Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office.” He also said that it’s not quite as effective as cocaine, but that’s another story entirely. The bottom line is that coffee is what makes America go. It even supports the teeth whitening industry. It creates jobs. It probably keeps Colombia afloat, although I haven’t really looked into the numbers, which is rare for me, but I’m barely awake after two cups of coffee so cut me some slack.

I’ve been a coffee junkie for years, dating back to my high school days. In college, it helped me make it to my morning classes, stay awake for long study sessions, and persevere through hangovers. In the professional world, coffee has allowed me to focus on major projects and keeps me warm when the office is cold. Coffee has always been my loyal friend. Recently, however, this all has changed. In my many years of consumption, it seems coffee has become less and less effective for me. To my horror, I’ve developed a resistance to coffee.

Now, thankfully, this resistance hasn’t prevented coffee from helping me get my morning business out, but the non-poo-related benefits are gone. Alertness—gone. Energy boost—gone. Even my coffee jitters are gone. I’m scrambling for a solution since I haven’t found a good power nap spot in the office.

Energy shots don’t work because the combination of caffeine, vitamin B, and whatever other shit they throw in there give me such a head rush I’m sure my blood pressure is at near fatal levels. An Adderall prescription might work, but it turns me into a robot, which isn’t good for face time with clients. Cocaine possession is a felony, and it’s usually cut with brain-eating chemicals—probably not good for my productivity. This is almost as horrible as the time at Chipotle when the new employee dumped my broken burrito, double wrapped it anyway, and left an avocado pit in my guacamole. Almost.

The only alternative I can think of is going cold turkey for a week or two and maybe coffee’s magic will return to me again. One can only hope. I’m not one for trading one addiction for another. Maybe I can go for a sugar-phosphoric acid rush and just drink three Cokes per day. That’s the life. Or start the day with a package of Oreos. If you haven’t realized yet, this is a serious crisis of 2008 financial collapse proportions, and I’m trying to guide myself through it.

So what’s the point? Why did I even bother writing this? Think of this as a public service announcement. Don’t take coffee for granted. Be thankful for what you have now. Drink two cups a day max before you develop a resistance and have to use it solely as a teeth-staining laxative instead. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It could derail your life for months.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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