======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Cheating is kind of like that time you polished off two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon for no discernible reason. It’s rarely spoken of and most people are going to look down on you for doing it. I’ve cheated before. You probably have too. And if you haven’t cheated then you’ve definitely gotten cheated on. Everyone does it but no one wants to admit it because, well, it’s kind of scummy.
But I will never pass judgment on a cheater because I’ve been one. Getting married is a whole different animal and if you’re cheating on your spouse that’s fucked up. No two ways about it. When we talk about relationships in your early 20s, however, temptation wins sometimes and that’s all there is to it. I’m not justifying it, but before a certain age, I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
When you are 20, 21, 22, even 23 years old — you are not a real person. Your life is not even close to being developed and outside of some real overachievers, most of us aren’t doing anything super important. Immaturity is rampant at all of those ages and your libido is on par with Wilt Chamberlains. I was such a dumbass at the age of 20 that I decided it would be a good idea to enter into a relationship. An exclusive, heterosexual, boring ass relationship. At 20. You know 20, right? Just the prime years of any young man’s life. As a semi-functional human at that age, I naively thought that this was it. We’d finish college, move to Detroit or Chicago together and get married at 27 or something like that. That obviously didn’t happen and if I could give one piece of advice to anyone under the age of 24 it would be to stay single.
Someone with more power than myself should make it illegal to be in a relationship in your early 20s. It’s stupid to enforce these arbitrary, old-timey rules on two people who, at a primal level, are at their sexual peaks. Vagina on vagina. Dicks in butts. Ten-person orgies. Whatever the hell you want to do, do it. You’ll never get your early 20s back so if you want to try something then just try it. Experimentation of all kinds should be getting put into practice. In 2016, we should be preaching having sex with anyone who is willing to do so.
Fuck anything that moves and never call him/her again. Drink a little too much and have some unprotected sex. Blow that guy you think is hot in the women’s bathroom at that seedy dive bar. Just don’t enter into anything with the word “exclusive” attached to it. It’s a fool’s errand and you will regret it. I can remember it vividly if I really try. I suppress the memory but when I think really hard I can see the pieces coming together. A perfect storm. I was two months into a relationship that would end up lasting two years. I was close to blackout drunk when I went up to the bar and ordered two beers; one for me and one for my roommate at the time. It was following a football game that had ended about three hours prior, so it was a miracle we were still standing upright. Before I knew it or could even really think about it, I had my tongue down some girls throat. I ended up going back to her place for a few hours, and yada, yada, yada, I walked home with a lot of regret.
I didn’t tell my then-girlfriend of my infidelity until after we had broken up. I felt bad about it, sure, but I was 21 years old. She wasn’t around that night and my brain was telling me one thing while my dick told me another. If you want to get on your high horse and tell me I’m a scumbag for it, I won’t blame you. It was a shitty, but then again so are relationships in your early 20s. Cheating should be encouraged at this age, not frowned upon. Get it out of your system before you mature into a real person.
If you’re reading this as someone in that age bracket, just stay single until you turn 25. Do it for me. But more importantly, do it for yourself. Your genitals will thank you. You’ll have more fun and you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Well, except for anyone who wants to get into a relationship with you.
Either that or you’ll be one of those people who got married at 23 and only goes out on special occasions. Don’t burn me at the stake for this, I just don’t find cheating to be all that bad if it’s before your twenty-fourth birthday. You can look at this column in one of two ways: either I’m trying to justify something I did a few years ago because I feel guilty about it or you know that I’m right. So which one is it? .