Dude Calls 911 Because His Girlfriend “Would Not Give Him Any Ass”

Dude Calls 911 Because His Girlfriend "Would Not Give Him Any Ass"

People call 911 for ridiculous reasons. Hell, I almost called 911 when a scorpion crawled out of my sink last month (instead, I just screamed like a little girl). But this South Carolina man went next level on his recent call when his girlfriend simply, “would not give him any ass.”

Per The Smoking Gun:

A South Carolina man called 911 early this morning to complain that his girlfriend would not have sex with him, according to an arrest report.

When a cop responded to his Spartanburg residence, Patrick Doggett, 53, “stated he called 911 because his girlfriend, Ms. Faye Woodruff, would not give him any ass.”

Woodruff told police that Doggett had been drinking all day and “didn’t know where he was at.” She added that Doggett got into bed and wanted to have sex, but “she had her grandchild with her.”

As a huge advocate of the mantra “Shooters Shoot,” I simply can’t condone Patrick Doggett’s actions. Like, Patrick, you’re 53, bro. What are you trying to accomplish while drinking all day and then heading home to get some late night strange from your girlfriend, Faye? Clean it up, man.

I know I’m an old 28, but the last thing that I want to do these days after a long day of boozing is hook up. I’m tired, bloated, and I can’t even take myself seriously when I look myself in the mirror. If I’ve been tailgating or bar-hopping all day, all daddy wants is some pizza, a 24-ounce Tervis full of ice water, and a pillow to rest my head on. I’m not trying to get any honey on my stinger. It just won’t pan out well for me.

For the full police report, look no further.

[via The Smoking Gun]

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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