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We’re all a little bit petty. Human instinct is such that the easiest option is usually chosen first. Our brains are hardwired to select the path that requires the least amount of effort. Now, I feel that I’m probably in the majority when I say that I actually enjoy being spiteful. It’s immature and most definitely not something a 26-year-old should admit to enjoying, but it’s the truth.
Larry David once said that his character in Curb Your Enthusiasm is how he wishes he could act all of the time in everyday life. I’m a huge fan of his so I did a little digging, and from the looks of it, he’s just lying. Friends and family members say that his character in Curb is pretty spot on to real-life L.D. He’s a dick. He knows he’s a dick. He doesn’t shy away from it.
Donald Trump is another great example of a spiteful, petty human being. You think he got to where he is today by being nice to people? He got to the Oval by saying and doing whatever he wants. And fine, just typing that out right now has let me know this wasn’t the best example to use.
Why should I let someone else enjoy the satisfaction of beating me? Whether it’s in sports or relationships, it’s rare that you’ll find me taking the high road after I get blown off on a date, get put on “Read at 1:36 a.m.”, or lose a 1 on 1 Rock, Paper, Scissors (aka R.P.S.) matchup. I’ll say something like “I’m actually glad we don’t see each other anymore. Your eyes are really far apart but like, not in a cute way” through Snapchat text.
I’ll let it be known to the large group of people who just watched me lose 2-1 in R.P.S. that this wasn’t a sanctioned match, so naturally it doesn’t count and I remain undefeated all time.
Being petty is always easy and always more fun. “Taking the high road” requires hard work, and who among us millennial swine is capable of that? It takes too much introspection. Too much brain power (at least for me) to say that “Hey, maybe I should just be the bigger person and take that L like a man.”
That girl who won’t text me back because she hates me with the fire of a thousand suns? I’m not going to get over that by being a mature adult about it. I’m going to get over it by saying disparaging remarks about her to my friends. I’m going to get over it by leaving drunk voicemails and subtweeting. It’s 2017 and no one is mature anymore. That’s just the way of the world right now.
Instead of working on why we’re mad at someone, it’s much easier to simply write off whoever did you dirty. Trash him/her to your friends. Stop following them on social media. Collect nicknames from said friends like Tom Petty or, my personal favorite, Petty Hardaway. That’s a play on the man’s real name, which is Penny Hardaway. It’s funny, I know.
Basically, devolve as a human. Take that low hanging fruit you know your ex is really self-conscious about and rub it in their face through mediums like Instagram or Snapchat.
Hell, get on Facebook Live and fuck your new fling in front of the masses! Pull a Donald Trump and have your new beau pee all over you. I don’t judge when it comes to personal preferences in the bedroom and neither should you. Now get out there and drunk text your ex-boyfriend something really mean tonight. Let’s get crazy..
Image via HBO