It’s Time We Confront The Travesty That Is Prince William’s Hair

It's Time We Confront The Travesty That Is Prince William's Hair

Having a full head of hair and preaching about the treatment of the bald is similar to shouting from the rooftops about being a male feminist. Sure, your cause is noble, but no one is going to take you seriously because you haven’t had to go through the pain and suffering of the group you’re supporting.

But enough is enough. The treatment Prince William has received on social media lately has caused me to take a step back. It’s time we begin treating bald members of the royal family like human beings.

Prince William has always had, well, issues up top. Yes, the rest of his life is one big bachelor party, but that all falls by the wayside when he has to look into a 24 karat gold mirror every morning and see the barren wasteland that is his scalp.

You think it’s easy being Prince William? He has to look at his younger brother every single day and wonder, “Why was he blessed with a full head of hair while I got stuck with being King of England one day?” Wondering whether you’d rather have a full head of hair or being the King of England is valid when you’re in his shoes. You can easily make the case that Prince William would rather be Prince for the rest of his life rather than have the inconvenience of being a fucking king. Throw a full head of hair into the mix? Sold, sold, sold.

Just look at this photo from noted magazine and online publication Town & Country.

I’m not going to criticize a magazine that once made me one of their most eligible bachelors of 2017, but using that photo of Prince William as their featured image on a column about parenting is just downright malicious. You can’t even see his face. All you see is a last ditch, desperate attempt at keeping some hair up top. He’s about 12 months out from calling the fight and shaving what’s left of his wispy locks off.

Meanwhile, we’ve got Prince Harry yucking it up with William’s wife at tea parties while rocking a full head of luxurious red hair.

Can you imagine? It’s one thing to be jealous of your younger brother, but to be embarrassed by a fucking ginger? That enough is a reason for him to abdicate (yes, the only reason I know what that word means is because I watched The Crown on Netflix – no big deal but kind of a big deal).

As a newfound bald rights activist, I’ve finally begun to feel the pain that Prince William must feel on a daily basis. Unlike his brother, he can’t just play polo without spraying some Banana Boat SPF 50 on his forehead. No longer does he just have to worry about his goggle tan while skiing, but his headband tan as well. These are real life hells that he has to confront.

Just look at this photo from 2014 where he’s weirdly sitting bulkhead on a commercial flight.

Just three years ago, he had as much as a mediocre head of hair. Of course, you never want someone describing your hair as “mediocre,” but come on. It’s better than what he’s dealing with today.

But what can he do? Hair plugs? Royals don’t get hair plugs – the most famous Brit to get hair plugs is Wayne Rooney, and that’s where the buck stops. Rogaine? I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hats? He’s not a Sigma Chi pledge, so wearing a hat with a suit is simply out of the question.

Poor bastard has nothing left but to wait to cover it up with a crown. Damn shame. Our thoughts are with you, Prince William.

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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