I stood behind a father and his child for nearly a minute last night as they tried to open a door that would lead them into a wondrous establishment simply known as Target.
I was in a particularly bad mood after a day of doing soul-sucking research for a company that doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.
I wanted to go in, get a few toiletries that I absolutely needed, and maybe some junk food before getting back to my apartment where I wouldn’t have to talk to another living, breathing human being for the rest of the night.
In short? I was very crabby. I still am as I type this now that I’m thinking about it.
I was about thirty feet behind the father and son as they stood in front of the door waiting for it to open automatically. At first, I thought that maybe the motor on the door was broken. I got closer to the door and realized that this was actually a manual door, with a large sign on it that said “PUSH” in large, green letters.
I was ten feet behind them and closing and the father and son still had not opened this door. They tugged on it. They even looked at the store hours sign above the other large sign telling them how to open said door to see if Target was for some reason closed on a Tuesday night at 7:00 p.m.
I stood there watching them for what felt like an eternity. In reality, it was more like forty-five or fifty seconds. Finally, I took matters into my own hands. I pushed the door open and in the three of us went.
I went on a bit of a tirade on Twitter last weekend in anticipation of the premiere of Game of Thrones. I don’t like the show. I think it’s dumb. A girl tweeted back at me after I expressed these feelings saying, “Does anything in life bring you happiness?”
Well, yeah. That’s just a stupid question. Of course, there are things that bring me happiness. Sex with attractive girls. A hot meal. Saunas. Infinity pools, caviar, and vodka-waters. All of those things make me happy. Just because I don’t like Game of Thrones I’m all of a sudden some curmudgeon? No, that girl who tweeted that question at me is just an idiot.
So why? Why am I telling you these stories of minor inconveniences and silly questions?
I’m telling you because it perfectly illustrates a point that I’ve been trying to make for years now that people who are close to me just cannot seem to grasp.
Most people are fucking idiots. A preponderance. The lion’s share of people on this planet. They’re all dummies.
That movie Idiocracy starring Luke Wilson? We’re living it. Walk around a densely populated area and I guarantee you you’re one of the smartest people in the crowd. The fact that you can read these words on your computer screen and comprehend the point that I’m trying to get across is something that I’m not sure a majority of people in America could do right now.
How we got to a point where legitimate fools outnumber people with middle-of-the-road IQs is beyond me, but I do know that it feels good to finally be proven right. And it’s all thanks to this father/son combo and some Game of Thrones stan.
I am a cynical person. I believe that my glass half empty mentality makes me smarter than the guy across the table with a similar socioeconomic background who thinks that everything is sunshine and goddamn rainbows all the time.
People who walk around happy and content with their lives? They’re idiots.
I know a lot of people who truly seem happy at all times. They never let anything get to them. They have a smile on their face and even when life throws them a curve you still see them with that same dumb grin plastered across their face. My conclusion? Those people are too stupid to see all of the bad around them.
I’ve never understood how anyone can be happy when the world is in the state that it’s in. Sure, you can have brief, momentary glimpses of happiness. But you can’t harness that feeling. Being happy is sort of like catching lightning in a bottle. It’s not everlasting.
I go through my life taking everything that people tell me with a grain of salt because deep down in my core I truly believe that everyone is full of shit to some degree. On my best day, I’m still like 75% bullshit.
I’m not claiming that I’m smarter than everyone. I am claiming that I’m smarter than the majority, though. I was taught to believe that I am the smartest person in any room I walk into at a young age and I think that’s probably skewed my opinions on many things since.
It doesn’t explain why I find overly nice people to be annoying, but that’s just the way I’m hardwired at this point.
I maintain that a majority of people – men and women you walk past on the street, in shops, and at work – are fucking idiots.
It’s simple math. Not everyone is well-read. Not everyone can read a satirical column and understand that what they just read, was indeed, satire.
Planet Earth is a shit show and we’ll all probably die a fiery, violent death some day. I’m not asking you to be as cynical as I am. I’m not telling you to agree with anything I’ve said here.
All I’m saying is that some people can’t comprehend another human being who doesn’t like a television show they like. Some people can’t figure out how to open a door. It’s all just a little bit concerning. .
Image via Youtube