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A Hypothetical Seinfeld Conversation About Pinterest

A Hypothetical Seinfeld Conversation About Pinterest

In the information age, Millenials have created countless social taboos and quandaries that require extensive examination and criticism. Fortunately, I have managed to amass the four most brilliant minds of in human history when it comes to dissecting the efficacy of social norms. Today they provide insight into the use of Pinterest.

[Elaine and George sit in a booth at Monks, both on their phones. Food sits in front of both of them, but neither seem that interested in it.]

GEORGE: Hey did they ever figure out what “covfefe” was?

[Elaine rubs her face with both hands, clearly irritated.]

ELAINE: George, I cannot deal with this now.

GEORGE: What, I’m just curious. A month ago this was all anyone could talk about, trying to figure out what it meant. I still haven’t gotten an answer.

ELAINE: Well a lot has happened since then, George. I think people have a few more pressing questions than what the President meant when he misspelled a word while tweeting from the toilet.

[Elaine immediately returns to her phone, slowly scrolling.]

GEORGE: I’m just saying, someone had to have figured it out. There’s got to be some cryptographer or idiot savant out there who cracked his insane code. I deserve an answer, Elaine!

ELAINE: [Without looking up from her phone.] Uh huh.

GEORGE: [Becoming annoyed.] Okay, what the hell are you looking at that’s so much more interesting than me?

ELAINE: A video of paint drying. An article about how to make avocado toast. Playing “Temple Run” even though I forgot that I still had the app on my phone. Anything, really.

GEORGE: [Nods as he absorbs the blow of the insult.] Well I walked into that one, I guess.

[Elaine remains focused on her phone. George takes a few bites of his food but is staring daggers at her. Eventually, she looks up.]

ELAINE: What?

GEORGE: [Throws up his hands.] I don’t understand this you invite me to lunch and then have no interest in talking to me.

ELAINE: I just don’t want to be seen eating alone. You know a middle-aged woman eating alone in a restaurant, it sends off an “I have ten cats at home” vibe. What if a cute guy shows up I can’t be giving off that vibe?

GEORGE: So you think that a guy is more likely to come up to you if you’re here with another man than if you’re sitting in a restaurant by yourself? What vibe are you giving off now that you’re sitting here with me?

ELAINE: A “This might be my boyfriend, but is more likely my asexual roommate, either way you definitely have a shot” vibe.

GEORGE: I do not give off that vibe! I am a catch! I am a masculine and intimidating figure!

[A large muscled man walks by and glares at George. George immediately turns away, intimidated.]

ELAINE: Oh yeah, you’re a gladiator of sexual prowess.

GEORGE: Seriously, what are you looking at there?

ELAINE: Pinterest. I need a new throw pillow for my sofa.

GEORGE: You’ve already got pillows on your sofa.

ELAINE: But they’re plaid.

GEORGE: So?

ELAINE: So I just had my couch reupholstered and the pattern doesn’t go with the couch.

GEORGE: What’s the difference if the pillows don’t match the couch?

ELAINE: Some people actually have style, George. Aesthetics matter to them.

GEORGE: I tell you, I just can’t understand you, women. You’re so concerned with these insignificant details. So superficial and vain, your gender.

ELAINE: Hmm. George a few weeks ago when you took me to the Yankees game, you refused to leave until I changed my shirt. Why was that?

GEORGE: Elaine, you cannot wear a red shirt when the Yankees are playing Boston! When a mob mistakes you for a Red Sox fan, they’re not gonna hit a woman. It’s gonna be Georgie that gets the abuse.

ELAINE: You think a mob is going to mess with a “masculine and intimidating figure” such as yourself?

[The door to Monks opens and Kramer ambles in absentmindedly. When he sees George and Elaine, he immediately sits.]

GEORGE: What are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be on jury duty?

KRAMER: Well, apparently there’s some sort of rule against talking to the defendant when his lawyer isn’t present so they threw me off.

ELAINE: What were you talking to him about?

KRAMER: Well, we were both in the bathroom together at the sink and my soap dispenser wasn’t working, so I asked if I could use his.

ELAINE: That’s not so bad they can’t throw you off a jury for that.

KRAMER: And then we get to talking–

ELAINE: There we are.

KRAMER: And you know I fell asleep during some of the testimony earlier so I was just asking if he could you know… give me a quick recap. Well, apparently that’s frowned upon.

GEORGE: What an indictment on our legal system that you were even picked to be on a jury at all.

ELAINE: Ah, ah! Perfect!

GEORGE: What?

[Elaine flips her phone around, revealing a pillow on her Pinterest board.]

ELAINE: This looks absolutely perfect for my couch.

KRAMER: Let me see. [Elaine shows him the phone.] Oooooh, that’s quite tasteful. And World Market now they know how to make a good, fluffy pillow. Top notch napping pillows there.

ELAINE: Oh, you have these, Kramer?

KRAMER: No, no, but Newman does. Yeah, I sleep on his couch sometimes.

GEORGE: Why don’t you just sleep in your house, you live down the hall?

KRAMER: Well my pillow is all…lumpy and itchy.

GEORGE: So a new pillow…

KRAMER: [Scoffs.] Well Uncle Moneybags, not all of us have that much disposable income to throw around willy nilly.

GEORGE: They’re pillows, they’re like $20.

ELAINE: No, actually, these are the high-end, hypoallergenic pillows so they’re $60.

GEORGE: You’re gonna pay $60 for a pillow?

ELAINE: It’s called paying for quality.

GEORGE: But this is some stranger on the Internet! For all you know it’s a corporate account trying to bamboozle customers into overpaying for cheap crap from China!

ELAINE: George, this Pinterest page has never done me wrong. Half the stuff in my apartment I got from recommendations off this page. “SensitiveSoul112” says that “these hypoallergenic variety may cost a bit more, but they’re also softer, easier to clean, and go with more accents to complete your living room.” I’m going to stick with what’s worked for me.

KRAMER: SensitiveSoul112? Why does that name sound familiar? Elaine can I look at your phone for a second.

ELAINE: Sure. [She passes the phone to Kramer, who starts swiping rapidly.]

GEORGE: $60 for a pillow on the advice of a stranger. [Laughs and snorts.] And you ladies wonder why you’re not in all these positions of power. Preoccupying yourselves with clothes and pillows and…tea parties.

ELAINE: What woman have you met over the age of seven that is preoccupied with tea parties?

GEORGE: The point is, I don’t need a pillow. It doesn’t matter to me if my couch is entirely bare, with springs poking out of the cushion. And if I did need a pillow, I could go down to Target and get a decent looking one for $12 and do it in less than 10 minutes. Easy, quick, efficient.

ELAINE: [Rolls her eyes.] God, you men just never take time to appreciate the beauty in the world. Maybe if you took a second and wanted to improve your surroundings instead of starting wars or opening strip clubs the world would be a little bit of a better place. You might think this is pointless George, but you know what I think is pointless? Living a life devoid of substance and style. Living with everything stripped bare and no comforts. Because that is your life George isn’t it? You exist for nothing but efficiency, with no warmth or love surrounding you. Not even willing to spare a moment to appreciate how much nicer your life could be.

[George scoffs, but Elaine continues.]

ELAINE: Now myself? I appreciate people with flare and substance. Tastes and artistry. People who have enough creativity and humanity to express their creativity like SensitiveSoul112. Like–

KRAMER: Newman!

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: This page, all of this stuff is in Newman’s apartment! It’s his page!

ELAINE: [Looking shocked.] What? Come on! Maybe it’s just a coincidence that he has all this stuff.

KRAMER: No, no Elaine, look at this poem. “The scent of her perfume wafts down from the ogre’s lair, no one other than Elaine could be more fair” – that’s about you!

ELAINE: [Growing more worried.] That’s inconclusive.

KRAMER: Well there’s also a picture of me eating on here. It’s a meal Newman cooked last week and that’s definitely his china.

ELAINE: So you’re telling me that I have completely redecorated my apartment over the last few months based on the recommendations of a man who I once saw suck diet cola off a countertop? That’s…that’s just

GEORGE: Covfefe?

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Josh T.

Chuck Norris's spirit animal handler. Former "athlete" who now takes his competitive frustrations out on strangers on the internet (Warwick/Jax main). For booking details swipe me right on Bumble. For other nonsensical ramblings go to https://neurotictotheblog.tumblr.com/

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