I Want To Start Instagramming My Food But I Don’t Want To Be A Dick

I Want To Start Instagramming My Food But I Don't Want To Be A Dick

For the longest time, I’ve hated the entire concept of posting food pictures on Instagram. Maybe it’s because food pics basically started as soon as the social media site went live, and back then my friends were posting low-quality pictures of the shitty-looking nachos they made from leftovers in their dorms’ communal kitchens. Looks great, Kasey. Glad you hashtagged #foodporn #food #porn #foodofinstagram #foodofig and #foodinspo. I’m sure your career as a famous food blogger will take off now thanks to that embarrassing iPhone 4 photo. Because let me tell you, my whole world has changed, thanks to seeing those chips in Sepia.

I was, very clearly, a hater.

But in the past three generations of iPhones, a lot has changed. The cameras on the phones are better than ever, so the picture quality is actually pretty amazing. Now that we’re older, most of us spend a decent amount of time either making food that looks fantastic or eating food that looks even better. And now that Instagram has evolved, we actually care about what we post, as opposed to when we were in college and would toss five back-to-back pictures of the same even up, heavily filtered and hashtagged.

As I got older, wiser, more beautiful, and more humble, I found myself spending my time on social media a little bit differently. While I used to scroll my feeds, stalking girls from rival chapters who may or may not have hooked up with the same person I was hooking up with, I was now spending my time staring transfixed at food video after food video. Mozzarella stuffed onion rings? Give it to me. Fried mac ‘n’ cheese balls? Fuck yeah. Buffalo chicken calzone? Dip it in ranch and call me daddy. It’s truly a mystery how I gained twenty pounds post-grad.

Still, thanks to my newfound appreciation of eating good food mixed with the fact that every other person has a bomb ass camera, I’m now faced with more and more food pictures on Instagram that I don’t totally hate. Pictures I actually *like.* Worse than that, now that I have a bomb ass camera and spend my time and money making and/or eating wonderful looking food, I’m getting the urge more and more to do something I’ve never done. Something I swore I would never do. Something I hated since the moment it started.

I kind of want to post some food pictures to my Insta.

I would be picky, of course. I’m not going to throw every casserole, burger, or spaghetti squash boat I make up there with the hashtag #CookingWithRachelNotRay. But it’s hard to resist reaching for my tablet-like iPhone 7 Plus when I’m at a cute cafe, eating a fruit tart that just begs to be posted on Instagram. Sure, it’s a cheap ploy to get likes, and yeah, I’ll intentionally go to places that have good lighting, interesting interiors, and delicate meals. But does that make it wrong, when the pictures in portrait mode just look so God damn right?

So, no. I’m not happy or proud of this decision. And to be totally honest, I have no idea how to pull this off. What’s the criteria? Does it need to have a lot of cheese? Or chocolate? It has to be unhealthy, right? Unless I make one of those smoothie bowls even though I totally don’t understand the concept (just put it in a cup and drink it? Isn’t that why we made smoothies in the first place?). Do I need to start eating oysters even though I hate oysters? And how am I supposed to pay for all of this food? Do restaurants reimburse you if you gram your sandwich? Can I write it off on my taxes?

There’s still a lot of planning and hard decisions I have to make. But if you’re like me, out there, wanting to post food pictures but have no idea where to start, just know that you’re not alone. Maybe someday we, too, can rake in hundreds of likes for a latte and a fucking croissant. Until then, everyone be cool. I have a picture of some cookies I made that are totally going to change your life.

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there.

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