HR guy at my new job told me to go out and celebrate with drinks with close family and friends. Got Jimmy John’s alone. PGP.

My parents are making me stay home this year for Halloween and hand out candy so they can go out with their friends. PGP.

At this point, I could consider myself a born again virgin. PGP.

Just bought a sick vacuum. PGP.

You can tell a lot about a man from his shoes. Like how often he poops at work. PGP.

“Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.” PGP.

My aspiration is to be Clark Griswold. PGP.

Shamelessly “nice work”ing all my comments. PGP.

Skipping happy hour to take your dog to the park. PGP.