Mike Trout is 23 and won the AL MVP. I’m 23 and won a new mouse pad in our office raffle. PGP.

Carrie Matheson is a pretty competent employee compared to you. PGP.

On my way back from lunch today, I told myself out loud that “Everything’s going to be okay.” PGP.

Was just endorsed on LinkedIn for customer satisfaction by the girl I’ve been hooking up with. PGP.

I feel congratulations are in order. Our warehouse has officially gone eleven days without a stabbing incident. PGP.

The effort going into faking sick on the phone is more work than I would actually produce in a day. PGP.

Hot streak of five Tinder matches this week. All spam. PGP.

Had to give myself a pep talk this morning. PGP.

I’ve been showing up early for work for two months because I was in line for a promotion. Company outsourced the hire. I now have three conference calls a week with someone named Samar. PGP.

I just bought my first new car. It’s so small I feel like if a criminal hid in my backseat, he’d ask me to move my seat forward when I got in my car. PGP.