1: “Who in the fuck brewed decaf?” 2: “Some virgin.” PGP.

Relating more to Ferris Bueller’s dad than Ferris. PGP.

Just got a raise. After taxes I am now bringing home an extra $17 every two weeks. PGP.

Not knowing where you stand. With anyone. PGP.

I bought season tickets for the minor league hockey team in town because I thought it’d be a great way to treat friends and clients. I went to 15 games alone. PGP.

The last three birthday parties I’ve been invited to have been for 1-year-olds. PGP.

I have 192 matches on Tinder, but have gotten laid zero times because I’m always too tired and lazy to follow through with trying to set up a date. PGP.