I got on the same elevator with the attractive girl, and completely choked

Telling yourself it’s almost the weekend on Wednesday. PGP.

My new office is about 90% women and 99% of them have boyfriends or husbands. PGP

The high I get when going rogue with my to-do list. PGP.

Preempting heartburn by immediately chasing a greasy sandwich with a shot of Pepto. PGP

Can’t remember the last time I had a tan lines.

My back has just informed me that it’s official: I’m too old for shower sex.

Looking for your Times New Roman in the streets who’s a Wingdings in the sheets, but content on settling with a Calibri every time.

When I start thinking that I won’t have an original idea, I just remind myself that Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about goddamn cheeseburgers and is now a multimillionaire.