Last night was live music night at the local Applebee’s. It was pretty good. PGP

My parents bought me tires for my birthday, and I’ve never been more excited.

I got my tax refund. I’M RICH, BITCH!

I’m so bored, I just watched a snapchat story about Toronto. PGP

It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care….

Sunny and 75 Monday through Thursday. 90% chance of rain Friday through Sunday. PGP.

I got on the same elevator with the attractive girl, and completely choked

My back has just informed me that it’s official: I’m too old for shower sex.

Looking for your Times New Roman in the streets who’s a Wingdings in the sheets, but content on settling with a Calibri every time.

When I start thinking that I won’t have an original idea, I just remind myself that Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about goddamn cheeseburgers and is now a multimillionaire.