I didn’t drink at all yesterday. This morning I feel like a million bucks, that I’ll probably never have. PGP.

I had to Google what “on fleek” meant.

The steady migration of hair from the top of my head to my back. PGP.

Was too embarrassed to tell my doctor that I haven’t slept with anyone since my last visit.

“Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen is starting to hit a little close to home, PGP

When things get hard, I go into the bathroom and listen to Styx’s “Come Sail Away” and remember my Caribbean cruise from three years ago.

I don’t want to be here.

I got on the same elevator with the attractive girl, and completely choked

Threatening to boycott your friends wedding if they don’t have an open bar. PGP