Haven’t gotten a Tinder match in about a week. I’m telling myself it’s an issue with their servers. PGP.

Been planning on hitting up McD’s for the new jalapeño McDouble for weeks now. Today’s the day. PGP.

You don’t know evil till you meet a bathroom whistler. PGP.

All my friends are assholes, but I have no idea where you find new ones. PGP.

Swiping left on the hot 21-year-olds just to spare myself the rejection. PGP.

Using unexpected birthday money on Tupperware and bath towels. PGP.

When being itchy means it’s time to wash your sheets again. PGP.

My roommates walked in on me masturbating this morning. I live with my parents. PGP.

Making the wardrobe transformation from “business professional” to “homeless person” as soon as you get home. PGP.

Being surprised when you’re not hungover. PGP.