I would put pine tar on my neck if it got get me kicked out of work for the day. PGP.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and say, “As little as possible.” PGP.

I feel like I’m Leonardo DiCaprio from Catch Me If You Can. Every day I go to my new job, dressing and acting like I belong, and wondering when they’ll figure out I don’t know shit. PGP.

At first I was optimistic. I soon became realistic, then indifferent, then apathetic. I’m beyond that now. There may be a word for it but I don’t care enough to look it up. PGP.

Mauling down your little cousins at the Easter egg hunt once you learn one contains a $100 bill. PGP.

Thinking of using the staple gun on your hand just so you can feel something..anything. PGP.

I’m more secretive checking my phone during work hours than I was in middle school. PGP.

There’s a guy having an incredibly audible conversation with his wife in a bathroom stall while the guy in the stall next to him is just destroying the toilet. PGP.

Masturbating out of boredom. PGP.