There are always a few telltale signs if someone is batshit crazy. Do they say they’re “more of a cat person?” Red flag. Do they use a fork and knife to eat their pizza (other than deep dish, I’m not completely unreasonable)? Red flag. Do they have a closet full of human skins drying out on meat hooks to be used for making various pieces of furniture, like ottomans or chairs? Red flag.
And while all of these are important to keep in mind, there’s one so shocking, so confusing, so Patrick Bateman-esk, that I’m honestly floored we don’t talk about it.
You see, lotion can be a pretty sensitive topic. Literally. Everyone has a preference when picking out their ideal form of skin moisturizer. Do you want something that smells like you’re on a tropical vacation or would you rather give off the scent that you just spent the morning at some overpriced spa? What about SPF? Do you want some sun protection in your daily cream (that sounds off), or would you rather have a gradual tanner in there so one day you wake up and everyone just assumes you speak Spanish? Do you want healing? Revitalizing? Deep? Smooth? Tanning? Protective? Sparkling? Scented? Nighttime? Antiaging? Silky? Something you can use to massage your significant other with? Something you can massage yourself with?
THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS.
It’s shocking how many different lotions there are for only one main purpose: so we don’t just flake off as one giant piece of skin and die. That said, just one lotion won’t really do the trick. I mean, sure. In theory it could. Maybe you find the perfect gradual tanning lotion that smells like cucumber, erases wrinkles and cellulite, deeply hydrates your skin, and also has like, SPF 30 thrown in for good measure. But let’s be real. That product doesn’t exist and even if it did, it wouldn’t really matter.
Because when you walk along the fluorescent aisles of your local Target, searching for a skin product that will make you look five years younger, ten pounds skinnier, and 15% happier, each and every lotion will speak to you so clearly, swearing it’ll make whatever is miserable in your life disappear.
You went to the store when you’re pale as a fucking beluga whale? You notice the lotion that promises a glowing, gradual tan the will inevitably turn you orange when you use it one time too many. You look like a beluga whale? You’re heading over the lotion section that promises to hide the fact that you eat Taco Bell five times a week. Sunburnt? You’re reaching for the aloe-infused stuff. Going to the pool? Tanning lotion. Going to the pool with your family? Sunscreen. Partying? Throw some fucking glitter in the lotion and shine like the attention-seeking star that you are.
The point is, each time you go shopping for lotion, a new adjective jumps out at you. Because this time, this lotion, is going to be the answer to all of your problems. Or skin-related problems at least.
Which is why, whenever you get around to reorganizing your bathroom (like, the week before you move and realize you never *actually* organized your bathroom in the first place, you just threw everything under the sink), you find 47 half-used bottles of lotion forgotten and forlorn, tossed aside for a new hydrating cream. It’s not that you’re gluttonous or fickle, it’s just that you’re always looking for the next amazing thing in life. You’re not okay with settling. You’re not okay with just coasting along in a monogamous relationship with a lotion that doesn’t give you everything you want. Everything you need.
So, if and when you’re doing your usual snooping in something’s bathroom, be sure to look for their lotion collection. If you find a variety of dusty, partially used bottles, everything is fine and you most likely won’t be hacked to bits. If, however, you don’t come across sunscreen, tanning lotion, deep hydrating lotion, face lotion, everyday lotion, aloe lotion, and some sort of Bath and Body Works lotion you know was given to them by an aunt, then watch out. Someone with one lotion isn’t out here like the rest of us, trying to have better skin and searching for happiness. They’re not casually wandering stores or perusing Instagram and getting sucked into ordering yet another fat-burning cream. They’re not filling their cabinets with only-used-twice body products. Their lonely Aunt Josie isn’t sending them the Warm Vanilla Sugar collection every year for Christmas even though they’ve made it pretty clear that they’d rather just have money.
They’re not to be trusted. And they don’t even have an Aunt Josie anymore. She’s most likely been turned into a shower curtain.
Don’t believe me? That’s fine. But one minute you’re going to be politely arguing that while cats are fine, dogs really *are* the superior pet, then the next minute, you’re not going to have any skin to worry about moisturizing. Because it’s going to be hanging up on a meat hook in their closet, next to some other idiot who didn’t immediately run away screaming the second that psycho got out the utensils for pizza. Don’t worry, though. After all the lotion you’ve used in your life, I’m sure you’ll make an absolutely lovely lamp shade..
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