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April 12, 2016
After a long and wildly unsuccessful run, I must inform you that I am officially resigning from the ranks of actively dating singles. While I wish that this was due to the fact that I have received a better offer, such as a three carat sparkler adorning my left hand, it is instead because, in the words of the great oracle Charlotte York from Sex and the City, “I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted.”
In lieu of a formal exit interview, let me offer some written feedback. Despite the popular assertion that dating in the current time is easier than ever, I must predicate that this is an egregious misrepresentation on your part. Yes, finding a date is easier due to all of the technological advances available to the currently single. However, it would seem that the actual process of dating is more complicated than it’s ever been, in part due to those same high-tech apps. With the ability to “ghost” or search for alternative options at your fingertips, I believe that finding an actual relationship with a decent human is in fact more difficult nowadays.
That is not to say that I have not learned things during my experience with you. In fact, I have gained many skills that will be helpful to me in the future, such as:
– How to take a picture that highlights my positive attributes (boobs) while downplaying my negative ones (big butt)
– How to appear to be listening attentively to some dude blather on about God-knows-what while I mentally undress the hotter dude over at the bar
– How to politely say “thank you for the vodka-tonic, but I’m just not interested” in a variety of ways that doesn’t hurt a guy’s feelings too much
Despite these important lessons, please note that this letter also serves as notice of my intent to sue for injuries suffered while participating in your process, such as:
– Carpel tunnel in my left thumb from the constant left and right swiping
– A persistent cramp in my feet from wearing heels on dates in an effort to look sexy
– A permanent loss of brain cells from that one time a guy rambled on about east coast vs. west coast rap for 3 hours and I was trapped because my “emergency phone call” friend forgot to call
– Various mental health issues from the constant over-thinking of when/if he is going to text, what does his text mean, what should I answer back that makes me look interested, but not too interested, etc.
In closing, I must say something I never thought I would: I hope that my mother is right. She always says that Mr. Right will come along when I stop looking. Wish me luck.