Alright guys, sounds like we’re not done here. I recently wrote a column roasting a few terrible Bumble bios I came across last week. Truth be told, most of those were actually encountered within a matter of minutes, and there are way more where that came from. That, coupled with the commentary and inquiries my roast session sparked, called me to action. So because I really want you guys to succeed out there, I put together this little PSA just for you. I’ll show you what you might be doing wrong and what will clear the way for the main objective tied to your bio: getting girls to actually start a conversation with you.
But first, we need to leverage your expectations against the purpose of app dating itself. The people who have the most fun (and the most success) on dating apps are those who understand and appreciate the sheer ridiculousness of their concept. The number one mistake people make is taking themselves and the process too seriously. Bumble is a toy that is frequently mistaken for a tool. There are platforms that exist for the sole purpose of introducing people who are serious and on the same page about forming relationships, and they all require paid subscriptions. If you’re using Bumble and expecting eHarmony results, it’s probably not going to work out.
That’s not to say you can’t meet great people and find something more meaningful than a couple rolls in the hay, if that is what you’re looking for. You may simply need to adjust your game a little bit.
Think about what happens when you run across someone you know on a dating app. You probably chuckle a little. You might take a screenshot and toss it in the chat. If you’re close with this person you might even send the screenshot to them directly with the caption “Lemme smang.” The point is, it’s usually a pretty lighthearted and humorous event. The keyword: humor. Being on a dating app is funny, and it also happens to be the one thing in common you have with every person whose photo you swipe.
Tapping into the power of this built-in inside joke requires the kind of self-awareness that just spills over into self-deprecation. I’ll let you in on a little secret here. Call it stigma or call it pride; most if not all girls are at least a little embarrassed to use dating apps. Or rather, we feel like we should be embarrassed, but we stopped giving a shit after three months on Tinder in college. In any case, using your bio to talk about how thoroughly you’re killing it at life will more often than not be met with eye rolls and general sentiments of “Okay righteous, you’re on Bumble too” even if your intention was never to alienate and even if you genuinely are killing it at life. The impersonal, automated nature of online and app dating requires users to go one step further in an effort to humanize themselves.
Think about the last profile you saw that you were iffy about. The photos didn’t move you in either way, so you looked at the bio to determine whether that would earn her your right swipe. Her bio said: Yoga, healthy food, the beach, hiking, family and good friends. I just moved here and I love meeting new people! You may have said “meh” and swiped left. Or if you were feeling lonely you swiped right and couldn’t help but feel a little insulted when you didn’t immediately match.
Now picture a profile with the same inconclusive photos, but her bio says: I used the last 5% of my family’s shared data plan to write this. I’m sure that won’t be the last time I use this app to disappoint my father. Chances are you’ll react to this in some way. You’ll either cringe and swipe left, or you’ll laugh, swipe right, and remember her name for when that tri-tone push notification comes through. This girl has selected and targeted a specific type of personality to attract. Sure, her edginess also put off a certain type of person, but those guys aren’t of interest to her anyway. This is an extreme example, but it illustrates the need to make yourself memorable to those you want to attract.
I’ll share with you one of my favorite methods to crafting a winning bio. Take a look your bio as it is. Let’s say, for example, you like fishing. The sport(?) of fishing, while interesting to you, is not an inherently interesting hobby to have. In fact, hobbies themselves are not inherently interesting to have. This is why simply listing things you like to do has historically failed to drop any panties.
That being said, you can still use your expertise in fishing to make yourself look like kind of a badass. For the sake of example, we’ll use the marginally badass skills centered around fishing that I know of:
– Driving a boat
– The ability to sit patiently and quietly for long periods of time
– Scooping the guts out of a dead sea creature
Now, we go back to that self-deprecation we talked about earlier. Pick one of your examples from the above, think of something way less metal about yourself, and juxtapose the two.
– Immaculate boating record, two-time jaywalking offender.
– Patient enough to sit still for four hours waiting for a bass to bite, but gets impatient waiting 40 seconds for a microwaved quesadilla.
– Regularly cuts open freshly dead fish, is still afraid of the dentist.
It’s as simple as that, really. Not only will this endear you to the girl on the other side of the screen, but she’ll be more inclined to start a banter now that she has something to work with. Think of it as conversational collateral. Soon she’ll offer you something you can play off of, which brings you to the hard part – actually talking to her.
No, the irony of some chick on the internet giving you a formulaic approach to humanizing yourself is not lost on me. There are obviously many different ways to do this. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Try on new bios for a couple weeks at a time and see which ones get you closest to your ideal results.
The main takeaway from all of this is to use dating apps exactly as intended: a lighthearted, fun time-kill where everyone is on a level playing field. You will not score dates by focusing our attention to your prime physical condition, your achievement of self-actualization, or your worldliness. Talk about your senior citizen bedtime, your weird first name, or how one of your proudest moments was that time @thefatjewish accidentally liked one of your Instagrams, and you have our attention.
And if all else fails, you better hope your dog is cute. .
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