I Have Baby Fever

I Have Baby Fever

Babies. Everywhere I look. Babies. Scrolling through the ‘gram? Babies. Running through Twitter? Babies. Casual YouTube browsing on the clock? Laughing babies. Family gatherings? Babies everywhere. Facebook? Well, we all know that our newsfeeds makes an argument to change the sites name to Babybook. I see babies walking around the neighborhood, I see babies at the grocery store, I see babies at the gym, and now I’m starting to see babies in my dreams. At this point, I realized I might actually be crazy so I had to hit up WedMD and do some research. Turns out I’ve got it pretty bad.

I have baby fever.

I don’t care if you’re one of those people that hates kids or never sees yourself with kids. You’ve got your own opinion, but there’s a lot of us out here that are suffering from this epidemic called “baby fever.” It’s not easy to cure, and it’s a problem. While you may suffer from I-hate-babies-and-I-am-an-awful-person-because-of-it syndrome, some of us are out here just trying to find a baby to wave at or to play with. I would literally babysit for free. I just want to hang out with babies all the time. Just watch this video.

There’s something about a baby’s laughter that is medicinal. Baby laughter can cure depression and it might even cure cancer. Back in college, I went through a finance class that was hell. Multiple nights a week I would be up until 1 or 2 in the morning trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. On the verge of an emotional meltdown, I did what any college kid would do. I procrastinated. You ever go on a YouTube binge where when you’re finally done you don’t even remember how you got there? That’s how I went on a baby rampage and found that video.

Crash and I Snapchat on the reg. Most of the time, it’s snaps of Crash Jr. doing Crash Jr. stuff like watching Curious George. Chilling with my mini-me while watching Curious George sounds like a great relaxing end to my rough work day. Sure, you gotta feed the baby and clean the baby and do all the other responsible stuff, but Curious George while chilling on the couch sounds ideal.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m only thinking of all the pros. I’m forgetting about losing sleep, changing diapers, baths, childcare, food, and all the money that I’ll be shelling out. I’ll miss out on a lot of “bro-time” and other crazy nights. I’ll miss out on enjoying my 20s. I would gladly just be the chill uncle, but unfortunately, I’m the oldest sibling and I have zero nieces and nephews.

That’s one of the main effects of baby fever. You don’t consider every factor. I’m only thinking about all the benefits here and that’s okay. Babies make me happy and that’s all I care about. Have you ever seen a baby at a restaurant just stare you down and then smile at you? It’s a feeling of joy. I smile back every single time. Sometimes I get weird looks because I’m a very large man, but who cares. I have baby fever and I can’t help it. Being a grown man with baby fever is a very serious issue and I just needed to come out and come clean to y’all.

Why don’t I just have my own baby? The cards aren’t in place right now. Whenever I do get my own, he/she is going to have the best damn life possible, I can guarantee you that. I’m sure eventually I’ll sack up and throw a ring on my girlfriend’s finger and so on and so on, but until then I’ll keep dreaming. I’ll keep living my life and try to keep my condition at bay. One day I’ll be cured but until then I’m just a grown man with serious baby fever.

But if anyone needs a babysitter, holla at your boy.

Image via Shutterstock

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I'm just a cultured redneck that coaches hoops and loves Dale Earnhardt.

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