“We were bad for one another, but we were good at havin’ fun.” -Robert Earl Keen
Today is the day that I swore would never come. Today is the day that I say goodbye to my longtime partner, coffee. For years, I’ve considered the beautiful black nectar of the gods to be a close friend that I could never live without. It was always there for me in the morning to help push me out the door and during all of those mid afternoon slumps. Coffee is what got me through it all and allowed me to actually stay up to go out with friends, occasionally. I thought this relationship was one that could never die and was worthy of the history books, but during all of this time, I was in denial of one major betrayal: while I thought coffee was helping me, it was actually stabbing me in the back(side) the entire time.
My beloved coffee was giving me a daily bout of the good old fashioned shits. If we were in the third world, I would probably be dead by now. I even tried to blame everything other than coffee for these attempted murders by stomach explosion. Maybe I’m eating too much fiber? My body just naturally, explosively cleans itself out four times before noon every day. It could be that new multi-vitamin I’m taking, right? Finally, I considered the seemingly blasphemous possibility that it was my beloved coffee. I couldn’t deny the connection any longer since that first rumble always came just minutes after my first sip in the morning. I went three days without coffee and I switched to tea to test this theory that I prayed to God was wrong. While the tea kept away the debilitating headaches, it did not give me that same rush of energy and power that make the world seem conquerable like my beloved coffee. On the other hand, it didn’t give me though was the urge to run to the bathroom every twenty minutes.
Even after proving my beloved coffee’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, I was still not convinced that I should give it up. I started reasoning with myself about how I could continue living in this abusive relationship. Daily explosions aren’t so bad. I might have to go more often, but that means more time on my phone in the stall. Plus, if I am in a hurry, the explosive quality of it means I can get in and out of there quicker. All of these desperate rationalizations were from the part of me that wasn’t ready to give up the love that I felt from coffee. Coffee was always warm, delicious, and ready to help me through the worst parts of the day. Coffee never asked anything of me, and it never judged me. Coffee was only there to pick me up when I was down.
Then it dawned on me: coffee was actually controlling my life. I was completely dependent on it. I had to plan my entire morning around the ability to get to a bathroom in under a minute, and it gave me terrible, skull splitting headaches every time I tried to spend a day without it. I realized the relationship wasn’t a healthy one, and I was just too afraid to move on. Would I ever find a beverage that could give me the same comfort and energy that was socially acceptable to drink at 7 a.m.? That question has yet to be answered, but I can’t stay with coffee because of this fear of being drinkless. So today was my last cup of coffee, and even though I know it did not always treat me right, a large part of me will miss it.
Coffee has been there through thick and thin. It has been the muse for every paper I’ve ever written and every mindless task I’ve completed. I know I owe a lot to coffee, and even though my relationship with it wasn’t healthy, I can’t hate it. To those of you who can drink this beautiful, strong drink without the negative effect, I am happy for you and maybe a little jealous of you. I must stay strong though and make this my final farewell. Goodbye coffee, my old friend, you will be missed..
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Well you’re fucked.
Your law career is over before it started…
That or you relapse.
To me, caffeine shits are an unavoidable occupational hazard. But hey if you can get along without it, more power to you. ButI’m guessing your boss will probably notice a difference in your work ethic, even if you are taking less bathroom breaks.
Look into a Theanine supplement. It negates a lot of the negatives associated with coffee (anxiety, blood pressure spike, probably not shits). Otherwise, I’m not sure how you’ll make it through law school.
I had a Latte once…never again
Do you drink it with creamer or sweetener? I was having the same, terrible, issue for a while. I started drinking it black and have been riding that wave ever since with no qualms.
I think you might be lactose intolerant.
This. Black coffee goes right through me because its legal crack. I can literally feel the caffeine flowing through my veins and ultimately through my stomach.
Oh, I am. But creamer is lactose free.
I always drank it black.
That’s what she said
Not to sound too much like Captain Obvious but talk to your GP or a gastroenterologist. You sound like a prime candidate for IBS, UC, or Crohn’s. It sucks. I know. I’ve been there.
I appreciate the concern. I thought the same thing and my doctor has ran several tests that all came back negative. I know IBS doesn’t exactly have a test, but if I do have it avoiding coffee stopped the issue.
If the rest of your diet was in check, coffee may still make you poop, but it won’t be explosive and it sure won’t be 4x before lunch. You are far more likely to not be getting enough fiber than too much, since I really doubt you are pounding that much veggies. With the proper diet, you can take a nearly perfect, flawless victory (no wipe) shit at the same time every day before even leaving your house. Time it before your shower for extra freshness. There is no reason to give up the coffee that you enjoy if you could make changes elsewhere to avoid explosive shits.
By the way, what diet can give me a flawless victory? Those are the best and I’ve been trying to figure out for years what I ate before that caused such glorious appeasement.
I try to eat primarily meats and fresh veggies, only a little bread, and just try to avoid processed foods when reasonably possible. Not trying to make every meal from whole foods or anything because I’m not about that life but just a little bit of putting better stuff into your body can go a long way to taking better shits. If you are still not getting there, buy some psyillium husk (fiber) tablets and take one with your evening meal. The recommended dose is like 3 but I’ve found that just one usually gets me to the adequate fiber amount where I can drop a no wiper every morning right after my coffee and before my shower.
I am borderline obsessive with my diet. I eat tons of vegetables definitely more than the average person. After giving it up 2 weeks ago all of my shits have been solid. This is after months of straight liquid. The one change solved the issue. Trust me I didn’t make the decision lightly.
I don’t see what’s wrong with coffee shits, 1 wipers are amazing. It’s not like there aren’t any bathrooms at law firms. Just lay off prior to meetings/calls.
Two words: acid butt.
What the fuck is that?
It’s when you have diarrhea and it feels like someone has poured acid on your brown eye when you wipe.
Dude… a couple months of liquid shits and you didn’t see a doctor? Come on, you gotta take care of yourself. Also, are you getting enough water? If you are shitting that much liquid, you are probably also dehydrated. You might have some other issue so just see a GI specialist.