A Dude’s Breakdown Of “The Bachelorette” Finale

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The dramatic conclusion to the saga of the Princess and the Pubes is finally upon us. We started this season with twenty-five of the most eligible men in America, and these two dudes are our best options. With only one rose left, one of them will certainly be left heartbroken, or at least reeling from public humiliation. Let’s break it down.

Pubehead McGee Meets The Parents

Kaitlyn’s mom Leslie, her dad Mike, her sister Carly, and a slough of stepparents that I couldn’t keep straight join her in Malibu. She tells the camera that her family’s opinion means everything to her and wastes no time letting them know that Pubes will be the first suitor to walk through the door. Once Leslie realizes that this is the same Pubes that appeared on Andi’s season, she is not pleased. Leslie reminds me a lot of Ginger from Gilligan’s Island, or at least what Ginger would have looked like if she actually spent 15 years on a tropical island with no sunscreen. Regardless, I’m into it. Kaitlyn begs her family to not fuck this up for her, and they make no promises.

Once Pubes walks in, the tension is palpable. I think the other dudes greeted him with more warmth when he joined the show than Kaitlyn’s family did that afternoon. They may be in California, but they brought a frigid Canadian winter down with them. Leslie wastes no time and asks to speak to Pubes privately. She tells that him based on his behavior on Andi’s season, she thinks he’s possessive, jealous, and arrogant. She asks what he sees in Kaitlyn, and he launches into some sappy monologue about love, attraction, and passion. Naturally, Pubes starts crying. Leslie’s face contorts into some strange expressions and I realize that she’s trying to cry as well but her Botox is a tad too fresh to allow any actual emotions to show through. At the end of their conversation, he manages to win her over. With his ability to convince so many people he’s not actually a psychopath, I’m starting to wonder if Pubes is secretly a Jedi, using his mind tricks on all these bitches. Kaitlyn’s dad is equally as easy to convince; Mike essentially begs Pubes to take her if he wants her.

Princess Gosling Meets the Parents

Apparently Kaitlyn’s family did a total 180 on how they felt about Pubes – before the Princess arrives, they tell Kaitlyn that he has a lot to live up to if he wants to impress them. Seriously? Is that bar that low? When the Princess shows up, he tells Kaitlyn that he’s never been so nervous before. She takes him inside and introduces him to everyone; again Leslie wastes no time in snatching up the fresh blood for herself. She tells the Princess she’s concerned about his jealousy and wants to know if it will be an issue after the show is over. He tells her that if he is indeed the winner, he’s almost positive Kaitlyn won’t be sketching around with twenty-five other dudes anymore, so he should be able to keep things in check. She seems to buy it, but there’s a twinkle in her eye that makes me think she hopes Kaitlyn picks Pubes so she can pounce on the Princess herself.

Within moments of meeting him, Kaitlyn’s sister Haley is also vehemently #TeamPrincess. She is eyeing him across the room like a piece of meat, wondering if it would be impolite to try and mount him right there. Apparently the Bristowe libido is a genetic trait passed down from mother to daughter. Haley tells Kaitlyn she can see that while there is definitely a physical connection between her and Pubes, she likes how Kaitlyn acts around Princess more. The segment ends with the Princess asking Leslie and Mike for their permission to propose to Kaitlyn. Naturally, they give him their blessing, and Mike offers to throw in a new set of tires if Princess is willing to pay cash up front and take Kaitlyn off his hands right then and there.

Final One-on-One with Pubes

For their last date before the final Rose Ceremony, Kaitlyn and Pubes climb on a catamaran, where they lay on some pillows, make out, and giggle. In their time apart, Pubes has apparently decided to grow a beard, letting his head pubes migrate south and cover his face as well. Bold strategy. Kaitlyn says that she feels like her current relationship with Pubes is different than it has been before, and I wonder if she means from when they were sexting before the season started or from three weeks ago when she actually met him in person for the first time. Pubes tells Kaitlyn that if he wins, he’s looking forward to doing ordinary things with her, like hanging out on the couch. If he’d rather be on his couch than this massive boat, he’s either a goddamn liar, an idiot, or both. Definitely both.

At dinner, Pubes tells Kaitlyn he got her a gift, but he left it in his hotel room. Considering Kaitlyn gave it up on their first date, I figured Pubes would be past needing to pull this kind of stunt. She thinks he’s joking, but he insists that he actually has something for her. I wonder if it’s his dick in a box, or if it’s Princess’s head in a bigger box. Turns out its just some photo and a shitty note on what appears to be a napkin. Regardless, Kaitlyn loves it. She sobs to the camera, saying that in that moment she feels hopeful, and that this is the guy for her. When she looks at Pubes, she knows she’s in love and can see him as her husband. Things are not looking good for the Princess.

Final One-on-One with Princess

We’ve seen a lot of awkward dates on this show. I’ve been on a ton of several awkward dates myself. However, nothing could have prepared me for this. Instead of doing something cool like going sailing, Princess and Kaitlyn hang out on a wicker couch some poor Bachelor intern had to carry up a hill in this vineyard. As soon as they kiss, Kaitlyn asks the Princess if he’s wearing sunscreen (he was), and he replies, “Thanks, Mom” which really set the tone for the rest of this date. It was painful. They sit on the wicker couch alternating between making uncomfortable small talk and silence as Kaitlyn aggressively pets Princess’s leg. She remarks “I can’t believe this is our last date…” and I choke on my wine just a little, wondering if she just inadvertently revealed her plan to boot Princess.

During the evening portion of the date, they joke about how awkward their afternoon had been. I guess saying things are awkward makes them not awkward anymore? Kaitlyn asks him if he has any “last minute questions” for her, like they’re concluding a job interview or something. He doesn’t have any questions, but says he also has a gift for her; instead of a framed photo, he gives her a memory jar full of assorted discarded items from their dates together. She finds it incredibly romantic, while I wonder if Princess just has trouble finding trashcans. The date ends with Princess saying after their time together tonight, he’s positive he wants to get down on one knee and propose. Yikes.

The Final Rose Ceremony

Neil Lane pays a visit to both Princess and Pubes to help them pick out an engagement ring they have a 50 percent chance of using. Good old Neil isn’t fucking around because these rocks are massive. It makes me wonder how much African blood was spilled to bring them to ABC. Pubes tells Neil that he made it to the finale last year, but Andi sent him home before he had a chance to pick out a ring. At first Neil seems concerned that he has zero recollection of Pubes, worrying that the dementia may be taking hold, but once he realizes Pubes was the runner up, he laughs and wishes him “better luck this time.” Neil Lane probably popped a Viagra and crushed more tail on the drive over than Pubes has gotten in his entire life.

For what seems like eternity, we are forced to sit though voiceovers of the dudes and Kaitlyn talking about their “journey to find love” as we watch them get ready for the last Rose Ceremony. The most intense part of this sequence is always watching the dudes drive up in the limos; the first one to emerge is almost certainly getting dumped, and ABC milks the suspense for all it’s worth.

To my utter shock and indescribable joy, Pubes is the first dude to step out of the limo. He is greeted by Chris Harrison, and there’s a glint of sadness in Chris’s eyes, knowing what’s about to happen to Pubes (again). Instead of making Pubes walk through a metal detector before he speaks to Kaitlyn, you catch a glimpse of Harrison signaling the snipers on top of the Bachelor Mansion to be ready for when Pubes inevitably snaps after Kaitlyn dumps him.

Pubes walks up to Kaitlyn and launches straight into his proposal without giving her the opportunity to speak. Either he’s confident he’s the winner, or he’s hoping that if he can be the first one to get down on his knee holding a ring, Kaitlyn’s self-confidence issues will take over and she’ll say yes to anyone that asks. He tells her that when he came on the show, this was the ending he expected. He just knew that things would end with the two of them together because he wasn’t ready to let her go – basically your standard terrifyingly creepy and wildly out of touch with reality proposal. As he reaches into his pocket for the ring and starts to get down on one knee, Kaitlyn finally stops him.

The next few minutes are just painful. I love a good reality television meltdown, but this is almost too much. Kaitlyn stammers around her words, and the best she can come up with is “My only explanation is that my heart is with someone else.” She tries to continue, but Pubes stops her, saying that nothing she could say would leave him any less confused. He tells her “If you were in love with me, we’d be having a different conversation.” She keeps trying to interject, but Pubes is not having it. There are tears everywhere. Once he’s in the limo, he finally takes off that damn Claddagh ring, chucking it onto the floor as he tells the camera “I am the world’s biggest joke.” I think he’s selling himself short here – he isn’t the world’s biggest joke, he’s actually the world’s best runner-up.

After all these weeks it turns out that the Princess was right all along, and he is indeed the most special of all the snowflakes. He walks up to Kaitlyn, who has clearly had time to dry her tears and fix her makeup, and also launches straight into his proposal speech. Do the producers tell them to do this, or have they all just forgotten how a Rose Ceremony works? The Princess takes his time delivering a romantic monologue so eloquent and touching it is painfully apparent someone else had to have written it for him and is standing just off camera holding up cue cards with these lines, Love Actually style.

Kaitlyn responds with her own touching narrative of how she felt about the Princess — from the lady boner she got the moment he stepped out of the limo, through the highs and lows of him being a giant pussy, to being grateful that her other boyfriend didn’t murder her when she dumped him like 15 minutes ago. As she tells Princess she “Can’t wait to make six months a lifetime of memories with you, and only you,” I wonder how many takes it took to capture this interaction. The Princess gets down on one knee and pulls out what appears to be a clear Ring Pop, but it turns out that his Neil Lane diamond is just that fucking big. She says yes and slams that ring, the value of which certainly exceeds her entire family’s net worth, onto her finger as fast as humanly possible. It looks like the Princess is getting his fairy tale ending after all, and the episode ends as he climbs into a limo with Kaitlyn to be whisked away to their happily ever after. Barf.

After The Final Rose

Let’s be honest, the only reason anyone watches this is for the official reveal of the next Bachelor, and in typical ABC fashion, they decided to hold out on us. Most of the one-hour special was devoted Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Pubes how it felt to come in second place yet again. Other highlights included:

The Princess definitely got a nose job between the end of filming and now.

Princess and Pubes still hate each other. Harrison sat them down and tried to get them to “hug it out.” They responded that they were not contractually obligated to do so, and therefore politely declined any such interaction.

Kaitlyn tells Pubes she didn’t want to dump him the morning of the Rose Ceremony like Andi, and he tells her that making him pick out an engagement ring and come up with a proposal speech didn’t exactly make things easier. He’s got a point there. Kaitlyn’s resting bitch face game was on point throughout this entire conversation. She has a gift.

There you have it, folks. Kaitlyn’s journey to find love has ended, and as a reward we get two hours of our Monday evenings back every week. Oh wait, Bachelor in Paradise starts on Sunday? You win again, ABC. See you then. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Crick Watson MD

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