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We Jewish boys are a strange breed. We’re a strange result of homogeneous breeding by helicopter parents all trying to outdo one another by proving they have the better child. I think that’s the Eleventh Commandment: “Thou shalt have a child that thou must brag about at thine gym or thine coffee shop with thy friends.”
Thanks to our upbringing, which is the human equivalent of being “raised like a veal,” we’re mostly all successful, self-loathing, psychological messes who have complicated relationships with our mothers, funny-sounding holidays, and a mean recipe for brisket that’s been passed down for hundreds of years. The strangest part of all of this is that you shiksas find us completely, 100 percent irresistible. Why? I don’t know, but if the lawyer you met on Tinder drops his heritage on the first date (spoiler: we always do) don’t get so verklempt that you plotz. (There’s a Yiddish glossary at the bottom, I promise.) Here’s what you have to do.
Step 1: Don’t Panic
Allow me to clear something up here: Jewish people do not have horns. Don’t ask. Trust me, I’ve been asked, and it usually results in me threatening to whip out my schmeckel and say something along the lines of, “I’ll show you my horn, you bastard.” You don’t want that. It gets messy. Don’t be a schmuck. We also don’t have sex through a hole in a sheet. Well…most of us don’t.
We’re just like everyone else, except we use a lot of “chhhs” in our words, we wear little caps on our heads when we pray, we have a funny sounding language, we believe that Barbara Streisand is the messhiach, we eat strange yet delicious foods, and if we walked around our house in the nude with an erection and walked into a wall, we’d break our nose.
We’re normal people. We schmear our bagels one half at a time, just like the rest of the world.
Step 2: Dealing With The Culture Clash
Here’s another thing–don’t freak out if you’re a shiksa. Jewish men LOVE shiksas. Congratulations, you’re the forbidden fruit. We want to date you to spite our mothers and have our ancestors spinning in their graves. But seriously, if it wasn’t for a Jewish person marrying a goyim, I wouldn’t be here, and you wouldn’t be reading this article. Lucky you!
By “culture,” I don’t mean “Jewish culture” at all, necessarily. Not in the way you’re thinking about it, what with the prayer shawls and the peyos sideburns and ZZ Top beards. No, I mean actual culture. You WILL be playing the greatest game ever invented: Jewish Geography. You’ll become an expert in Long Island high schools, and “Jericho,” “Syosset,” “Dix Hills,” “Roslyn” and “Great Neck” will become a part of your daily lexicon. You’ll hear so many stories about summers at Camp Lokanda, Tioga, Timberlake, Pontiac, and so on that you’ll think you actually went there. You may even have to go to a couple of Teen Tour reunions, and trust me, they’re all going to suck.
You’ll meet and get to know a lot of Bergs and Golds and Steens and Steins and Katzs, but they eventually all merge into one amorphic, semitic blob.
Step 3: Meeting His Mother
Oy Gevalt. Here we go. The big one. I’m getting shivers just thinking about this. No matter how old a Jewish boy gets, he is hopelessly devoted to his mother. We’re perpetual mama’s boys from birth until long after they’re gone, and her little boy is the apple of every Jewish mother’s eye. All a Jewish mother wants is for her son to meet a nice (read: rich) Jewish girl who makes her son happy (read: who is exactly like they are in every way). That would be just…lovely.
But then her son brings you, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, big-breasted belle from Ohio or Atlanta or Wisconsin or Oklahoma City or wherever you’re from home, and his mother might drive herself meshuggenah. She’s going to throw around terms like, “You’re killing me, you’re killing your mother,” and, “If your grandfather was still alive, he’d be ashamed,” and maybe, just maybe, “I’m disowning you.” And she might even say these things IN FRONT of you. Hopefully not, but I wouldn’t put anything past her.
The bottom line is that it’s really not you. As much as a Jewish woman wants to see her children go off, get married, and start families of their own, she worries that any woman is going to try and steal her tattelah. So, pretty much the only way to beat a Jewish mother at her own game is to stay the course and be patient. Waiting it out is the only way to subdue a rabid, farkakte Jewish mother. Also, grandchildren. Give her grandchildren.
Step 4: Be Patient
We Jews have been through a lot of shit. Just read a textbook. We’re incredibly stubborn and set in our ways; I mean, hell, we stopped reading the Bible halfway through and have been doing the same traditions for thousands of years. Seriously. Watch “Fiddler on the Roof,” and you’ll understand–being a modern Jew is like that, plus electricity and indoor plumbing.
Jewish guys are products of their upbringing. We’re gifted and tortured, we’ve been under tons of pressure from outside forces to succeed since Kindergarten, and we travel in borderline-incestuous social circles because of high school, sleep-away camp, and Greek life. We have incredibly close, tight-knit families that can seem very hard to impress and break into, and I guess I should mention the fact that we can be whiny, needy, moody, and impossibly hairy. We also inexplicably love rap music and basketball jerseys.
But we’re also incredibly compassionate and kind, very generous and loving, and we’re probably the least selfish lovers you’ll ever meet. You can just throw any bedroom myths you’ve heard about Jewish men right out the window–especially the one about having sex through a sheet. Most of us don’t do that. That’s only for the super, super, super religious.
Do yourself a favor and date a Jewish boy. If you’re patient enough to deal with his crazy family, his horrible, awful childhood friends, and his own mishigas, you’ll find yourself a very happy, spoiled, loved woman. Plus, who knows? He might be a doctah, a lawyah, an investment bankah, or maybe he’s a douchebag behind a keyboard writing jokes. It’s a crapshoot. Good luck, and a hearty Mazel Tov.
Shiksa (n) — A non-Jewish girl; you
Verklempt (adj) — Choked up with emotion
Plotz (v) — To faint or pass out from surprise, emotion, the deli running out of corned beef, etc.
Schmeckel (n) — Penis
Messhiach (n) — Messiah
Schmear (v) — Do I really have to describe this one to you? It’s exactly what it sounds like.
Goyim (n) — A non-Jewish person; not the nicest term
Peyos (n) — Side curls, typically worn by very religious Jewish boys and men; not typical of most Jewish people
Oy Gevalt (expression) — An exclamation of surprise or shock, can be used to emphasize a statement; usually used while kvetching
Kvetching (v) — To complain or whine
Meshuggenah (adj/v) — Crazy; to drive one crazy
Schmuck (n) — Someone who is stupid, foolish or obnoxious; also, another word for penis
Tattelah (adj) — Term of endearment for boys, specifically young boys
Farkakte (good question) — It kind of means crazy or messed up, but it also kind of means you crapped yourself? You’re full of crap? I really don’t know on this one, folks.
Mishigas (not a clue) — Crazy. We sure do have a lot of words for crazy.
Mazel Tov (Hebrew) (expression) — Congratulations