Diary Of An Entry-Level Try-Hard: Humplestead’s 51 Rules Of Engagement



I mentioned my “Rules of Engagement” to you last week. They exist. I know you were curious, so I figured I’d finally put pen to paper and get them on record. As a guy with dozens of physical encounters and sexual near-misses on his résumé, the world needs to know how your boy actually does it. So, here they are. Humplestead’s 51 Rules of Engagement (© Copyright 2015, Humplestead Enterprises & Properties, LLC).

  1. Any bar that calls itself a “lounge” is a good bar.
  2. Always name your penis. Creatures of Greek mythological origin only.
  3. Always have a bottle of high end liquor in your freezer.
  4. Quotable celebrities are Phil Jackson, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Steve Forbes.
  5. When picking a movie to watch “back at your place,” always go nature documentary. Pixar is for amateurs.
  6. Pre-game prep is what separates good from great.
  7. Shave night before (for luscious face scruff that ladies crave).
  8. Lengthy dump before showering (really get it all out),
  9. Quick once over on the shrubs with the Norelco (not bald, just enough gristle).
  10. Shower with St. Ive’s shea butter body wash and Pert Plus
  11. “Phil Collins: …Hits” playing in the background the entire time.
  12. Pre-game crank sesh is business casual. Edge for peak performance or full release to ease the tension, your pick.
  13. Don’t overload at the training table. PB&J sammie, handful of Cheez-Its and a tall glass of pre-workout.
  14. When you can’t afford cocaine, NO-Xplod gets the job done.
  15. Liquor lays the foundation, beer builds the castle. Shots tear it all down.
  16. Cologne (“Driven” by Derek Jeter or “Seduction in Black” by Antonio Banderas): One spray on the neck. One spray on your watch-side wrist. A couple of good sprays in the Danger Zone.
  17. If your shoes require socks, then you’re doing it wrong.
  18. Blazers go best with boot-cut.
  19. Cab it to the bar. Always. Ubers are for the ride home. Taking an Uber to the bar makes it look like your big brother drove you. Showing up to the bar in a cab says “I’m already hammered and I’m here to have a good time.”
  20. Always buy the first round, even if you can’t afford it. You won’t pay for a drink the rest of the night.
  21. A bar that doesn’t have a jukebox isn’t a bar worth drinking at.
  22. Chick bartenders are the best bartenders because they make you feel like the man. Dude bartenders are jealous of you being the man because they’re fucking bartenders.
  23. The pumpkin rule: Never start scouting the talent until the clock strikes midnight. Women simply do not exist until 12 a.m.
  24. Seduction is a game of chess. Knock off the pawns until you find your queen and storm her castle or however chess works.
  25. Watch the first 30 minutes of “Cocktail” to get your mind right before calling a cab.
  26. Pre-game drink rule: No more than four, no less than two.
  27. Locate mirrors around the bar to make sure your head suit is always tailored to perfection.
  28. Once midnight strikes, it’s time to hunt.
  29. Don’t go for the drunkest girl. Go for the drunkest girl’s friends.
  30. Don’t offer to buy her a drink right off the bat. Let her wait a little bit. Rather, let her order her own drink from the bartender and then give him the subtle nod that tells him that you are A) paying for the lady’s drink and B) making a batch of panty stew tonight.
  31. Panty stew is what happens to a girl when you’re hitting on her to perfection. Put two and two together. Let’s go now.
  32. After the first drink is done, let her go back to her friends. Let her peruse the inferior men on site. If she comes back, make your exit.
  33. You are not above dance floor makeouts.
  34. Neither is she.
  35. Never buy Rumplemintz. It’ll only end in disaster.
  36. If she looks like she’s going to puke, she is.
  37. Don’t let your friends know where you’re going. They’ll be able to figure it out.
  38. Switch to beer when your eyes start getting fuzzy.
  39. When she starts talking about food, it’s time to go.
  40. Remember what I said about Uber? Cross your fingers and hope you don’t get a Prius.
  41. You know how they say don’t eat before swimming? Don’t eat before Humping.
  42. Have a playlist ready.
  43. Pay for the Uber. No splitting up the bill, you peasant.
  44. Don’t forget to touch third base before making the turn towards home.
  45. Never say you live in an apartment. You live in a condo. Condos sound way more baller and sophisticated than apartments.
  46. Pick out the nicest car in the parking garage. Tell her it’s yours.
  47. Learn the lyrics to at least one Barry White song.
  48. If she passes out, it’s over. Circle the wagons and go hang out on the couch.
  49. If she leaves before you wake up, it wasn’t meant to be.
  50. Don’t text her the next day. Just pretend you’re super hungover.
  51. If she’s still there when you wake up:

So that’s it, Diary. A foolproof system that works almost 40 percent of the time. Even The Babe struck out a few times. The Humplesystem is far from a perfect science, but life is all about eliminating the guesswork. This is my gift to the world. Use it carefully.

Images via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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