The overly aggressive automatic flusher just sprayed shit all over my clothes. PGP.

Five seconds of happiness before realizing your quarterly bonus is going entirely towards credit card debt. PGP.

“What do you mean it didn’t save?” PGP.

Can’t tell if my coffee smells like urine or my urine smells like coffee. PGP.

My headphones haven’t been connected to anything all day. I just want to make sure everyone leaves me alone. PGP.

Yesterday was my boss’s birthday and we ate at a Brazilian steakhouse on the company card. Today was my birthday and I ate a Wendy’s baconator alone in my car. PGP.

When IT needs a laugh, they look at my IM history. PGP.

I always wondered why people voluntarily stay late at work, then my girlfriend moved in with me. PGP.

I’d rather be the worst player on the PGA tour every week, than the best employee in my department. PGP.

Me when I was 18: “I’ll be a billionaire by 25.” Me now: “I wonder if I’ll still be living at home by 25.” PGP.