Coworker forgot to press mute on a conference call and the entire company heard her say, “Fuck this shit.”

I got 99 problems and this broken fucking scanner is all of them.

Figuring out when you passed out by looking at your Fitbit stats. PGP.

I frequently walk home blackout from the bars to save money. PGP

There’s a 95 percent chance I will be sitting on the toilet in the handicapped stall when the rapture happens. PGP

I still throw up in parking lots. PGP.

“Did you watch the riots last night?” PGP

Babe flirting with me in the bar turned out to be a hooker. I couldn’t afford it. PGP

Came back home drunk on a Thursday night to hear, “How was your night honey?” From my mom.

2 billion dollar company. 1 ply toilet paper. #PGP