I shave minutes before going out so I can look as young as possible.

My weed guy can’t meet up because he “has the kids tonight”. PGP.

My wife is forcing me to get a vasectomy. PGP

“My calendar is wide open.” PGP.

What am I even doing here? PGP

Looking forward to jury duty. PGP.

Sent from my iPhone.

Went to grab the office lunch and nobody paid me back.

I can’t stand those college kids. PGP.

Our sales guy just gave an entire presentation with his tie tucked into his pants. PGP.