My day doesn’t really begin until coffee and I destroy a toilet. PGP

Grotesquely over exaggerating your job title to the waitress at The United Airlines Club when she asks what you do for a living. PGP

Took vacation on my birthday next week to avoid my coworkers, they found out and are making me celebrate today. PGP.

Opened up a Roth IRA today. Childhood officially dead.

I just suggested fantasy football as a team building exercise.

My pre-game level of drinking from college can get me hammered now. PGP.

I was told my Outlook picture needs to include the suit and tie headshot from the yearly meeting and not a back shot of me at the tee box.

I’m putting in my two weeks on Friday. I’m pretty sure they’re going to fire me when I do. PGP