This is peak. I defy you to find me a more “affluent yuppie scum” story than what I’m about to present to you. It has all the makings for what should be a phenomenal story to follow: Brooklyn, hipsters, rich people, boutiques, Whole Foods, and theft.
Hipster boutique owner, Loretta Gendville, of Brooklyn was caught stealing upwards of $1,000 worth of shit from Whole Foods in their Gowanus location. The Gowanus location boasts an array of pretentious features such as a touchscreen kiosk for foraging, sustainably sourced poke bowls, and hybrid tap room/Jewish delicatessen for pastrami & craft cocktails. I want to recreate the Tom Hanks classic The Terminal in this location just to see if I can reach ultimate yuppie.
Per The New York Post:
Police collared Area Kids czar Loretta Gendville, 42, around 10 pm on Feb. 10 after she and Shepherd Lantz allegedly swiped $1,149 worth of music, beauty products, clothes, and food from the market’s Gowanus outpost, a police report said.
They were caught in the act and someone inside the store workers called the cops.
The Carroll Gardens pair’s haul also included 67 separate “heathcare” items totaling $615, cops said.
I don’t even know how you go about even attempting this. I normally feel as though Whole Foods is stealing thousands of dollars from me whenever I buy fish or meat from them, so to flip the script and attempt to stick it to them is an unprecedented move. I’m just imagining the mid-90s game show classic Supermarket Sweep but without the cheesy graphics and music.
I can maybe understand trying to slip an extra avocado out, but once you start trying to steal the CDs that they have at checkout, that’s just being gaudy. Like, how bad do you actually need that Enya album, lady?
The two are due in court on May 1st, so it’s going to be an absolute frenzy trying to sell enough children’s onesies to fund the lawyer and fines in order to get out of this mess.
This is a plea, and not a plea that should be taken lightly – if you live in Brooklyn and are selected to the jury for this case, please reach out to me anonymously so you can feed me the best quotes from this case. I’m imagining her taking the stand and saying, “Our L train merchandise just wasn’t moving in February but I couldn’t give up my charcoal face routine.”
More details to follow. .
[via New York Post]