Conspiracy Thursday: Denver International Airport

Conspiracy Thursday: Denver International Airport

Some time ago, back in a place called “The ‘90s,” Denver was a bustling town loaded full of dudes in their late 20s trying to nail down some ski bunny tail. Still is, some say. Denver Stapleton Airport was the continental US’s last aviation stop before the west coast. Its capacity was well within FAA standards and could adequately handle Denver’s steady air traffic. Stapleton was a convenient six miles from the city center and its facilities were up to standard for a major metro airport.

Then something happened. Something called the “New World Airport Commission” had plans drawn up for a brand new, massive, six-runway airport in the middle of nowhere on the eastern stretches of Denver, 25 miles from downtown. You ever fly into DIA? It’s BFE. Surrounded by nothing. Creepy. Mysterious. Right up my alley.

Line me up a fat gator tail of this conspiracy.

The Runways

DIA’s runways are laid out east to west and north to south. Pretty standard checker pattern field of operation. Except, if you were in space and had a brain and a general grasp of world history, you would see that the runway pattern is shaped like a SWASTIKA. Yeah, man. First of all, an airport in a city like Denver wouldn’t need a very expansive runway system. 3-4 strips would get it done. Why the superfluous runways? Because Hitler. That’s why. Freemasons. New World Order.

The Architecture

The dedication marker in the airport has Freemason markings. The floor has Templar symbols etched into it. I’ve played enough Assassin’s Creed games to tell you that the Templars are the shadiest sons of bitches in the game. They are the shadow government. The Illuminati wishes they got down like the Templars. The Templars, per Indiana Jones, were the guardians of the Holy Grail.

Guarantee you that the Holy Grail is only but a mere speck of dust in the grand library of fucked up shit the Templars have their hands in. They probably know all there is to know about conspiracies. Aliens, the Great Pyramids, Richard Simmons’s whereabouts. They’re deep in the game, and they know all of humanity’s deepest darkest secrets.

The Murals

Easily the creepiest part of the Grand Denver Airport Conspiracy is the massive mural that is on display in level five of the Jeppesen terminal (if “Level 5 of the Jeppesen terminal” doesn’t scream “CONSPIRACY,” I don’t know what does). A massive vista filled with murder, plague, war and just about everything you wouldn’t want to happen in the world. The mural tells a story of the annihilation of humanity and its rise from absolute annihilation as a more streamlined, less crowded species. Eugenics, if you will.

From the official DIA website:

“Children of the World Dream of Peace” is a powerful mural expressing the artist’s desire to abolish violence in society. One section of the piece speaks to the tragedy and devastation of war and its impact on humanity. The mural then moves on to images of smiling children, dressed in traditional folk costumes from around the world, celebrating peace prevailing over war.”

Yeah, RIGHT. Get all the way the hell out of here with that. The only thing the children of the world are gonna be dreaming about is avenging mommy and daddy when the New World Order/Templar army puts them in an internment camp in Western Kansas. “Red Dawn” is a cautionary tale. We won’t take this one lying down. WOLVERINES!

The Land

The parcel of land DIA is built upon is twice the size of Manhattan, 53 square miles. It was one of the biggest excavation projects in human history. There are roads that go underneath the airport. I assume they go into the vast tunnel network leading to the doomsday bunker beneath the property. If shit hits the fan, you can bet your ass Air Force Donnie is coming in hot from Andrews to wait out the storm.

Furthermore, the Denver city government has been blocked from developing the land surrounding the airport on several occasions. Maybe the New World Airport Commission doesn’t want some Hampton Inn contractor digging too deep…

The Demon Horse

What greets you when you leave the airport? A friendly sign welcoming you to one of America’s most beautiful cities? Nope. A big, blue devil horse with lit up red eyes meets you as if to say, “Accept your impending doom, mortal.” As if the statue itself wasn’t creepy enough, this thing FELL ON THE ARTIST WHO MADE IT AND KILLED HIM.

It’s obvious that the late Luis Jimenez flew a little too close to the sun on this one. Maybe got mixed up in some stuff he wasn’t supposed to know about. RIP Luis, may you stay woke, even in death.

The Verdict

Total conspiracy. I’m sold. This is the hottest conspiracy going, in this internet writer’s opinion. Plenty of shady goings on to occupy my idle mind. I am now 100% on some sort of list and will definitely be followed by dudes in black suits for at least the next six months.

Please, please, please hold me to this weekly column. Tweet me every Wednesday night and beg me to write Conspiracy Thursday. “@BrianMcGannon hey, go write #ConspiracyThursday. You can catch up on This Is Us over the weekend. Chop chop.”

Next week? Beyonce’s First Pregnancy.

[via Wikipedia]

Image via Denver International Airport

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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