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Every week, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid these gnarly creatures, and stay safe out there in the wild.
They kill more humans annually than murderers. They are the reason Zika has you second guessing that vacation to your favorite beach destination. They make summertime in humid regions nearly unbearable. The infamous Jurassic Park disaster never would’ve occurred were it not for their existence. They are a blood-sucking goddamn nuisance to us all.
I am talking, of course, about mother fucking mosquitoes. Arguably the most annoying creatures on the planet, mosquitoes pose a much larger threat to human life than you probably realize. It’s time to arm ourselves with knowledge in the fight against mother nature’s most deadly killing machine.
What is so scary about a damn mosquito?
Mosquitos murder over 1,000,000 presumably innocent people every year. They are, far and away, the deadliest animal on the planet. Most of the people they mercilessly bury are in Africa through the transmission of diseases like West Nile, yellow fever, dengue, and malaria. A million fucking people. Can you believe that shit? They even gave George Washington malaria! Sons of bitches.
In other terrifying news, mosquitoes vastly outnumber us. There are waaaaay more mosquitoes on this planet than humans. We’re talking 100 trillion tiny flying monsters. There are 3,500 different species of these fuckin’ things. They’ve been around for 210 million years. Earth basically belongs to the mosquitoes and we’re nothing more than their blood-filled guests. At any moment, they could decide to rise up and do away with us all by draining us completely. We need to stop trying to solve global warming and try to solve mosquitoes, in my professional opinion.
Only female mosquitoes bite and suck your blood. (Typical women.) Why? Your blood provides them with the protein that mosquito eggs require for development. So if you’ve ever been bitten by a mosquito, you’ve actively contributed to the furthering of their evil existence. Way to go, idiot. Also, female mosquitoes lay up to 300 eggs at a time. Let that scary shit soak in. It’s gross.
Mosquitoes can down up to three times their weight in blood. And you thought you had a drinking problem. Speaking of which, some scientists do believe that if you have a high enough BAC when a mosquito bites you, your boozy blood can not only get that mosquito drunk, but kill it altogether. The lesson is that we should be shit-housed all the time. That’s how we beat these things.
What if I told you mosquitoes have something in common with werwolves? Would that scare you? It fucking should. In one study, a full-moon increased mosquito activity by 500 percent. Who did this study and why? I do not have those answers, but it’s pretty clear that you should never go outside during a full-moon for any reason ever.
“I’ll just wear pants and a long sleeve shirt and a bee keeper’s mask,” you might be saying.
Nice try, Einstein. When desperate enough for a bloody meal, mosquitoes can and will bite through your clothes. Your threads can’t protect you. Maybe if you were wearing a suit of armor or something. But they’d probably still find a way in, the vicious bastards. They’re wily.
What should I do if I encounter a mosquito?
Slap the shit out of it. Destroy it with impunity. Use all of your force to crush it into oblivion. Then head to Antarctica. That’s the only region of the world where mosquitoes aren’t found. Why we aren’t all living on Antarctica already, I do not know..
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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WRBolen
There are actually campaign scientists arguing for eradicating all forms of mosquito from earth, saying that they serve no large purpose in the ecosystem other than spread disease. And then there are opposing scientists cautioning the removal of a species and reduction of biodiversity blah blah blah
I say kill em all.
They are the work of Satan alone. God did not have the intention of putting these fuckers around.
Bats eat mosquitoes. Bats are dying at an alarming rate and no ones talking about it. #savethebats
Time to be the cure and get shit-faced. Come at me you blood-sucking ass-holes!
Just found out my honeymoon to Greece gives me the chance of running into the Asian Tiger mosquito…carrier of some deadly nervous system disease. At least the hotels are cheap over there…
Growing up in Florida afforded me the opportunity to learn quite a bit about these heartless fucks over the years. My advice to you is to surround yourself with people that have type O blood. Mosquitos prefer it, and will leave you alone when given the opportunity to get that sweet O.
They are also a danger to all animals. They can spread heart worms to dogs and cats (deadly to both and expensive to treat). They also spread the West Nile virus to horses (again deadly).
Those cocksuckers.
That’s just pure evil.
God bless you, Ross! These PSAs are what the people need
Salute. Just trying to spread knowledge, you know?
You cross the red line when you give George Washington malaria
Making going outdoors miserable since 1373.
West Nile in Florida a few years back was v real. Price you pay for the Sunshine State.
That and 20 PGPers crashing at your place